


suffocation

by aha_al3x



Category: Dream Team - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fanfiction, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:09:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aha_al3x/pseuds/aha_al3x
Summary: in which dream would rather die a painful death by petals for his love, rather than pretend like it doesn't exist.and his love, george, has no clue.no smut | mentions of vomiting | hanahaki | heavy topic of death
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 248
Kudos: 514





	1. april 8th

it started with a tickle in his throat. then, it grew into a cough. the next thing he knew, he was retching up flower petals over a toilet bowl. 

what in the absolute fuck? 

this couldn't be real, could it?

surely, dream was hallucinating. there was no way he was throwing up flower petals, what appeared to be carnation petals at that. he hadn't eaten flowers, except for maybe that time he was a child and ate a dandelion.

but this? this was bad. his chest felt tight and he hung over the toilet bowl for longer than a pleasant amount of time. 

when dream could stand, he pulled out his phone and opened up google.

unrequited love.

fatal.

grows in your lungs.

throw up flowers.

hanahaki disease. and he was sure that he had it.


	2. april 10th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which sapnap learns what is wrong.
> 
> just a small note - i switch between their minecraft usernames to their real names to show an intimacy or connection between characters. i'm sorry if this is confusing.

"you're joking!" sapnap exclaimed, a laugh in his voice.

"stop! i'm not. i'm being serious. i think i'm going to die." dream paced his room, the walls feeling tighter than they once did. it was like he was trapped; restricted to those four walls and the tension in his chest. 

"hanahaki disease? that's like...not real." sapnap was quieter this time. he didn't mean to doubt his friend but it just didn't seem likely a fictional disease actually existed and of all people, dream was the one to come down with it. 

who did he love that much anyways? dream told sapnap almost everything, so who was it?

the texan questioned so many things, but deep down he was trying to calm this sudden insanity. if he pretended like it wasn't real, then it would go away. fake it till you make it type beat. he couldn't face the fact that dream could be gone before he was 22. 

and as for who dream loved?

sapnap had a feeling he knew, and he knew that person well. 

dream had carried on, explaining to sapnap how he had been vomitting petals and what he found online.

"surely there has to be a way to cure it." sapnap muttered, opening up a new browser so search. on the other end, dream just put his head down on his desk and sighed. 

"oh, there's a surgery!" sapnap declared, worry subsiding. 

dream made content for millions of people. he talked to people for hours on end. he never was at a loss for words and almost always said what was on his mind.

but this? even the dictionary wouldn't know what words to begin with. how do you tell your friend that you'd rather die in love rather than never loving again? 

"clay?" 

"i just don't think...i'm not doing the surgery. i don't think any doctors around here can even do it anyways, but even if they could i wouldn't get it."

"so you're saying you're just going to let yourself die?" sapnap couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"nick, the surgery could take away my ability to love; my ability to love at all, romantically, platonically, anything. how can i look at you guys and just feel nothing? how could i look at george- fuck." dream breathed, resisting the urge to lash out at his desk. 

yeah, sapnap wasn't surprised, but he didn't say that.

"dream, george would want you alive. he'd rather you alive and unable to love him over you dead and cold. all of us would rather you alive. you don't deserve to die." his voice broke on the last word.

"i'm not selfish."

"never said you were."

"but you implied it?"

"that wasn't what i was trying to do!" 

"understand me when i say i will be happier dying being able to look at everyone with love than never feeling it again." dream spoke clearly, though his mind was so cluttered. 

he couldn't imagine a world where he looked at sapnap, bad, ant and all his other close friends without loving them. all those memories would be drowned. 

he couldn't imagine a world where he looked at george without the butterflies and the laughs and the chaos. he hadn't felt so much admiration towards a person in so long. he wanted to keep it and keep himself warm with it. it was like the warmth you get from a fireplace with a blanket wrapped around you, all fuzzy and secure. 

so what if he was selfish for it? 

it was his life anyways, and he wanted to be in control. 

"there's still a chance, clay." sapnap's voice woke him from his reverie. 

"oh, come on. you can't seriously think that." 

"you still have, what, two or three months? you have time! just let him in! let him know." 

"don't ever say that, i don't want him to know. as a matter of fact, that's the last thing i want. going to the grave is hard enough, but going to the grave with the guilt of thinking that your friend blames themself for your death? never. i can't do it." dream was determined to keep this hidden, in protection of everyone. 

"you won't even give it a shot? you could live, dream. he could love you. you guys could be happy!" 

sapnap didn't see his words as lies. as a matter of fact, he knew he wasn't quite wrong. but sapnap knew he was just wasting breath into the void; his ideas were never echoed back. 

"if george loved me back, i wouldn't have this damned disease."

and with that, the call ended signal popped up.

the texan flopped onto his bed, burrying his face into his hands. oh how wrong this had all gone.


	3. april 12th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream struggles with the concept of mortality.

"you feeling okay today dream? up for some minecraft with your pals?" sapnap asked, right when the ding of someone joining the discord vc sounded. 

"feeling okay? dream, what's wrong?" george's icon lit up green as he voiced his concern, curious as to what was up.

as if on que, dream coughed violently; george being around never made this easier, and him caring for dream but merely as a friend? the disease fed off of that like a parasite. 

he muted between coughs before rushing to the bathroom. the petals would be gorgeous if they weren't tinted with blood and didn't come from his own lungs. maybe he'd appreciate them more if they came from a bouquet, but he, quite reasonably, decided he never wanted to see carnations again once this was over.

if this ever ends. which, dream knew it wouldn't.

it was hard to think in the mindset of "hey you're dying!" when it came so suddenly. he didn't think he'd be worrying about death for another 50 years. 

he hunched against the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. 

god, dream was a wreck.

~~

george sat in his room, confused but relatively unconcerned. it was a bad cough, but he trusted dream to take care of himself. 

sapnap reassured him it was just a bad cold mixed with spring allergies, and he shot dream a text telling him to go with that story. 

by the time dream came back, the two had carried on, bickering over whether the other stole their armour or robbed their chests in their minecraft smp. 

in reality, it was probably just tommyinnit, but the two had a brotherly bond and that meant all the fighting that went with it. 

dream opened the text from sapnap, sighing in relief. well, atleast he had the next week or so covered. after that? well, he didn't think he'd be so lucky.

he unmuted himself finally, trying to put energy into his voice.

"do you guys fight every time i'm gone?"

"he started it!" both exclaimed, and dream knew that if they were next to each other, they'd be pointing fingers and all. 

man, he loved his friends. 

~~

they played for hours into the night, badboyhalo jumping on for a bit as well, all with dream muting often to cough. still, he appreciated the laughter they provided; truly, it was a gift. 

eventually, sapnap hopped off and bad had left prior to him, leaving dream and george in the call. dream panicked immediately, scared something would go wrong.

but george, he just looked out of his window into dark and dull england, and laughed slightly, still on a high from the enjoyment he gets whenever he's with his friends. 

"maybe i can meet up with you guys one day." he sighed, resting his chin on his palm. 

"you want to fly here? to america?"

"of course i do! it's been so long since we've been friends and i haven't met you guys, nor have i met quackity or karl, and hell, i haven't even seen your face. i'll just go see you all, even if i have to travel to 8 different states; gogy on tour! i'm gonna pop off with that." 

it was a lovely idea and dream would have appreciated it months ago. 

now, he just stayed silent. it was enough to murder george's excitement; a clean one-shotter at that. 

"anyways," the brunet said, sensing he had hit uncomfortable territory, "i'm gonna go to bed - i'm sorry. just kinda tired."

"george it's like almost 6 am, of course you're exhausted."

george smiled sheepishly, shrugging even though dream couldn't see it.

"goodnight dream!" 

"talk to you later george."

dream was scared. one day, goodnight would mean goodbye, and the concept of later would no longer exist.


	4. april 13th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream takes the advice of his friend for a plan.
> 
> a/n : y'all bear with this awkward format idk how to bold and shit on ao3 lmaooooo

dream

sapnap wake up you loser  
jk love you  
no but seriously i need your advice

sapnap

on?  
i hate your ominous texts  
i never know if you're going to ask me something serious or like idfk what should i dress patches up as next

dream

hey, both are valid  
but this is about george  
do you think it's time he finally see's my face?

sapnap

bruh  
i've been telling you too tbfh

dream

you're unbearable  
but anyways  
i'm gonna video call him

sapnap

now?

dream

of course not, i need time to mentally prepare  
what if i need to cough on the call

sapnap

maybe say you need to help patches for a moment? just mute and go out of frame and claim your cold and allergies again?

dream

right right  
do you think he wants to see me?

sapnap

for someone who's supposed to be smart, you're arguably the dumbest person i know  
just because george doesn't love you romantically doesn't mean you haven't changed his life. he's wanted to see you for years

dream

i guess you're right  
i need like 3 or 4 days to prepare

sapnap

if it makes you feel any better, george is practically blind. he can't see shit

dream

he can't see colors

sapnap

yeah yeah  
same thing

dream leaned against his chair, letting himself slide down. he was smiling though the weight of his planned actions was dangerously looming over him. he could only hope that the world greeted him with kindness on that day.


	5. april 16th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george finally sees dream's face.

dream knew that in about 3 months time, he'd never have a chance again. if he ever wanted to show george what he actually looked like, now was his shot.

maybe george would find him so attractive that he'd fall in love; but really, that was nothing more than a foolish thought. george is straight and he said that multiple times. dream didn't even think he was just denying his sexuality. sure, anyone could argue that their dynamic suggested something more than platonic but that just wouldn't be right. george was outgoing with his friends and that was all there was to it. george valued all of his friends, joked with all his friends, made memories with all of his friends. dream was not special. 

dream flopped down onto his bed in a huff.

~~

george

hey dream do you wanna call tonight?  
i'm so bored  
help

dream

talking sounds pretty nice  
i can video call in about 20 minutes, just trying to finish up a project 

george

video call?  
what, so i can look at your ceiling?

dream

would you rather look at me?

george

dumb question

dream

okay  
well if you don't want to look at my ceiling, i guess i'll let you look at me or something

george read through those messages probably a total of seven times. after years of begging his best friend to show him his face and a couple of arguments later, had the time finally come? why now? it was all so out of the blue. 

it wasn't that he wasn't excited; he was ecstatic. now sapnap couldn't taunt him and he'd join that exclusive club of the few people that have seen dream's face. 

the next twenty minutes crept by so slowly for george as his heart raced. nervous excitment bubbled up inside of him, and he couldn't even bare to sit still. he bounced on his bed, moved between his bedroom, dining room and sitting room, before finally settling down as he waited for the ringtone to play out. 

he smiled to himself, near giddiness. he finally was getting to see his best friend.

four thousand miles away, the best friend in question was panicking. he almost wanted to just back out because so many things could go wrong. what if he started coughing up blood and petals on the phone? what if his face turned too red if he blushed? what if george thought he was ugly?

he tried to avoid looking at mirrors but it was almost as though he was a narcissist with the amount that he tried to fix his appearance in the small pane of glass. 

needless to say, those 20 minutes weren't for a project but rather so that dream could mentally prepare. he felt like he was gonna die on the spot. 

with shaky hands, dream picked up the phone. 

george, though he expected the call, still jumped. 

both boys said hi at the same time before laughing. 

george took everything about dream in; the way his hair slightly fell into his eyes as if he hadn't gotten a haircut since before the new year, the slight freckles on his cheeks, and the yellow eyes that he somehow pulled off. obviously george knew they were green, but even if dream did have yellow eyes, he wouldn't look half bad. 

dream just sat there, unsure of what to say. were they supposed to just have a normal conversation now? 

luckily, george broke the silence, giggling. "dream actually has a face? and he has pissbaby eyes? woah." 

and then the two fell into their comfortable conversations, laughing, wheezing, their topics going from what their rooms look like to punny jokes about each others names and so much more.

dream, though he did enjoy it, kept his guard up. he tried to steer the conversation away from more personal things, always going back to the light hearted comments. 

something that dream really hated about hanahaki was the fact that he couldn't even laugh as hard as he used to without suffocating on the damned petals that came up his throat. so, the two being in such a giggly mood was nearly fatal, and that wasn't even an exaggeration. 

dream came up with four different excuses during the course of the nearly three hour call, impressed with how smoothly they rolled off of his tongue but scared of how quick he could lie. still, he tried to keep his mindset in a joyous mood and with george being there, it really helped. 

dream was pretty sure his favorite part of the call was when george took cat and brought them close to the screen so dream grabbed patches and they joked that the cats were gonna kiss through the screen. so essentially, they just acted like ten year olds.

dream was the one to end the call, as the feeling of his chest tightening was prominent again. he figured he might as well just hang up rather than try his luck with another excuse, so the pair bid each other a goodnight.

dream sat on the floor of his bathroom afterwards, trying to catch his breath. he was so glad he did that, without a doubt, but it made everything seem so much harder. every time he got closer to george, it stung a little; the two looked at each other in different ways, and neither mentalities looked like they would be changing any time soon.

back in dream's bedroom, he was met with a buzz from the phone on the nightstand. he wanted to clear his notification before he went to bed so he opened the phone, looking at what it was.

@/georgenotfound

guys dream is so hot

oh george. he was so naïve to feelings sometimes.


	6. april 21st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream goes to visit his family.

tomorrow would mark exactly two weeks since dream had come to the revelation that he wouldn't make it past 21. every day he asked himself how much time he had left. how many more months? weeks? days? hours? 

his voice had grown hoarse. his throat scratched consistently and no matter how much water he chugged down, his voice stayed with that slight rasp to it. that was a new symptom he had developed; he had started keeping track of the symptoms and when they developed. maybe it would help him know how much time he had left. 

he tried his best to take care of himself. he chugged down three cups of tea a day, joking around with george that he was becoming british just because of a cold and how he would fit right in in england. the jokes felt nice but the tea was useless. dream supposed it was worth a shot, but he stopped brewing tea. it was kind of nasty anyways. 

at night, dream had become reliant on benadryl and nyquil. he was sleeping so terribly, up coughing constantly, nightmares plaguing his unconscious mind. he was lucky if he got three consecutive hours of sleep. otherwise, it came in hour long dozes all through the day. sometime, he would pass out on his desk, hitting his head on the table before jolting awake. he was no longer in control of his own body, and that petrified him. it was deteriorating on it's own and all because of love. 

he was reminded of a time as a child when he came down with pneumonia. he was coughing so hard he couldn't breathe, and his mom stayed by his side the entire time. she rubbed his back, did breathing exercises with him, took him to the emergency room, and eventually held his hand as he was able to fall asleep after nearly 48 hours of nonstop fear. his mom said she thought her baby was going to leave the world before she did. she would have given up anything to save him.

15 years later, dream was in a similar boat. now, he lived alone with no one to help him through the coughing attacks and the pain. 

he just wanted his mom. 

~~

"mommy? i'm really sick. can i stay with you guys for a week? text me when you get this. i love you." 

dream ended the voicemail and began to pack a couple necessities for his trip to his parents. he acted like he wasn't crying. 

~~

he unlocked his parents door, entering to the smell of bread. his sister, drista, rushed to greet him, always excited to see her brother. 

"drista don't hug him, he's sick." his mom walked into the parlor, looking at dream with a mix of motherly concern and sympathy.

"oh, mom it's not contagious." dream chuckled warily, trying to wave off her concern. "i'll tell you all about it when dad gets back, but for now, i just really want to go nap."

"you used to be a morning person clay? what happened?" 

"mom, i was a morning person when i was like ten. now my sleep schedule is a little all over the place." he said, beginning to walk up the stairs to his room.

"no wonder he's sick." he heard her mutter, sure she was rolling his eyes. he couldn't help but smile. 

it was with perfect timing that he went upstairs to be alone, as not long after, his chest tightened and he went into the bathroom connected to his room, making no effort to close the door. 

that was his mistake, as one member of the family would know a little sooner about his hanahaki disease than others. 

drista walked into the open room, declaring to dream that she wanted to play minecraft with him. she remembered times where she played with his friends, causing havoc on their smp, and times they played when it was just the two of them. she admired her brother's success and work ethic, though she never would have admitted that to his face; she wasn't gonna give him an ego boost. he was strong enough on his own anyways.

which was why walking in and looking to her left to see dream vomiting flower petals left her frozen in place. 

dream really couldn't do anything but wait for this attack to be over before he could do or say anything. within this time, drista closed his door and looked at him. 

"how long have you been sick?" she asked, tears shining in her eyes. 

"two weeks." dream said, stepping further into the bedroom.

"i've heard of the sickness clay. hanahaki, right? i mean, i'd rather be wrong but i think that's what it is." she rambled for a moment before sinking to the floor.

"yeah." dream sighed, wiping his hand across his face and sitting down next to her. 

"and you're gonna get the surgery, right?" 

dream couldn't respond as though the breath had been knocked out of him. his response was below a whisper.

"no." 

"no? clay, you have too! this isn't a joke, you have to make sure you heal. you need that surgery."

he hated that she was right but he made his decision on the first day. 

"drista i can't risk losing all of my feelings. i want to love, even if it kills me. i think i'd feel lost without it." 

"what are you going to tell mom and dad?" drista asked curiously. she kept her voice strong, even though tears were spilling out. 

"to them, there is no surgery. never mention that in front of them. i think it would hurt too bad, telling them that i'm allowing myself to die." 

"it hurts me too, you know." drista said, hoping she could convince her older brother to reconsider. she didn't want to lose him; the weekly visits, the games and the family time, all of it would be dull without dream's tea kettle wheezes and loud humor. 

"yeah, i know." it hurt sapnap too. it would hurt his parents no matter what, and he was sure it would hurt badboyhalo and his other friends too. "i want to do this for you guys though. i want to die loving all of you. what if i lose myself after recovery, becoming less of myself because i lost so much of the happiness that became me?"

drista stayed quiet before leaning against dream, tears staining his shirt a darker color than before. 

and in the sibling's true fashion, she tried to make a joke.

"so georgenotfound really has you whipped, huh?"

dream laughed, glad for his sister's wittiness. 

"guess so. that's another thing: i'm gonna come out to them this week. i have to before i go. do you think they'll be accepting?"

"clay, they'll be so proud of you. we are all so, so proud of you." she said, choking on sobs. she meant those words more than almost anything she had ever said before.


	7. april 22nd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream gives his parents important news.

dream didn't sleep at all the first night he stayed at his parents, which left him exhausted on such an important day; the day he would tell them what was wrong with him. 

he couldn't stop thinking of the cries of his mom years ago and they way he would have to endure them once again. he didn't know how he would deal with the way his father's shoulders sagged and the sobs that came from deep in his chest on the rare occasions that he did cry. he didn't want to look at drista's heartbroken face again. 

he had realized that his broken heart had led to the heartbreak of his entire family. hanahaki disease wasn't hard to deal with because of the petals or the aches, it was the emotions. 

still, dream had no other choice but to tell his parents he was sick. 

still, dream refused even just the thought of surgery. 

he sat at their dining table, eating slowly to avoid hurting his already sore throat. his eyes flitted constantly between his mom and dad, and then would meet drista's. she gave him nods and small smiles, trying to be reassuring. 

eventually, he worked up the courage to get the words out after having been chewing on them for hours. 

he decided to start with the good thing. atleast then, for a moment atleast, maybe they could be happy. 

"i have a small announcement." dream said, averting his eyes from everyone at the round table. 

"i'm...i'm bi." 

it was silent for a few moments, those seconds of processing needed. 

"hi bi, i'm dad." 

dream couldn't help but start crying. there was no way his dad just turned his coming out into a dad joke and yet, he knew he wouldn't want it any other way. his mom hugged him, asking if that was why he was acting so weird.

"stress is an illness in itself!" she chirped. dream wished it was only stress. 

"well," he began slowly, his brain blanking. his heart rate was escalating rapidly and he knew this was going to end in tragedy. "i really am sick. i have hanahaki disease."

the two looked at him with confusion as drista stood slightly behind them. 

"hanahaki. it's fatal. i don't know any other way to put it. there's not really a cure for me. i throw up flower petals; honestly. flower petals and blood. the disease kills you by suffocation. there's no way i can get better." 

"this was diagnosed by a doctor? a doctor told you there's nothing to save you?"

"yes, i was diagnosed by a doctor." dream lied through his teeth. there was no point in him going to the doctors and he feared they'd force the surgery upon him. he was certain in his diagnosis. "and there's something that can cure me, technically. love. genuinely."

he started crying uncontrollably, then began to cough. if his parents needed proof of the disease, the rosy colored carnation petals were enough. 

he explained how hanahaki worked; the unrequited love, the blossom of flowers in the chest, the suffocation. 

it was so hard to watch his mom's face fall before she buried it into his dad's arm. his dad was in shock. his eyes were glazed over, looking at dream while not seeing him. maybe he saw dream as a corpse already. once again, drista was crying. 

the house could have flooded with the amount of tears they shed. 

~~

dream never uttered a word about a surgery, and drista kept her promise, staying silent. 

the house stayed quiet for the rest of the night and the dinner went cold. when questions came up, they were spoken in whispers. 

"but you'll live if anyone loves you romantically?" his mom asked once.

"no, only one person's love can help me get better. the person i love must love me back."

his mom looked at him with pity before she walked into the living room, yet her cries were still heard in the kitchen. there was a chill in the air of the home.

~~

dream didn't know if he could spend another 5 days at his parents with the atmosphere the night's conversation had left, but he didn't want to cheat them out of any time they could spend with him. he decided he'd stay; maybe their presence would be welcomed anyways.

he thought about the fact that he still had approximately two months left to live and he should make the best of it. if he let the illness restrict him to bed rest and self pity, he should just give in to the illness and die within the hour. 

dream promised he'd spend as much time making his family happy as possible. he'd call his friends more, tell them he loved them more, donate more to them. while the hanahaki would make it hard since he would have to stop, mute, and cough on occasion, maybe he would make it a goal to stream his speedruns atleast one more time. 

in reality, it was harder than that but dream truly did make a resolution to live before he died. he still had some control of his life, even if it was very little. 

atleast he now had his family to fall back on. if he ever needed help or a friend, he knew his family was only one call away. it soothed him knowing how caring they were, how they would put down everything for him. 

he knew that if either of his parents could, they would take their life just to save his. that's they type of people they were, and dream loved them for it. 

that night, dream thought about george, churning ideas in his head about how he could say goodbye to the boy. he thought about if he should admit his feelings and then leave his life, as that would be decently plausible; he could end the friendship by claiming to avoid the awkwardness, but that still left the entire issue of the fact that the blond was leaving the internet entirely, and that didn't just happen over a friendship. 

would george find out that dream died years after the fact? would he mourn? would he think about dream ever again? 

dream decided not to tell the brit anything about loving him; it just made things unnecessarily difficult and added stress to already skyrocketing levels.

eventually, he became so tired with the days events that he was able to fall asleep with nothing but his thoughts keeping him company. he never fought them anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh i really just wanna say i appreciate all the hits, kudos and bookmarks on this book! it means so much to me and helps encourage my writing!


	8. april 27th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george reminisces on a destructive childhood.
> 
> ~tw: homophobia and mentions of abuse. ~

philophobia. the fear of falling in love. the fear of emotional connection. 

for years, it had made it hard for george to get close to anyone. he constantly had a crippling fear of loving anyone, afraid they would leave, afraid they would abandon him. george was afraid of loving someone who didn't love him back and losing those he loved unconditionally. 

it was years ago when he decided he just wouldn't love at all; he had distanced himself from everyone, knowing that if he talked to no one, he couldn't fall in love with anybody. he turned to video games, coding, and sleeping for three quarters of the day. and then he met dream on munchymc, and suddenly he had an influx of friends. 

george got a therapist almost immediately to help him cope with all the new people in his life, though the philophobia never really went away. there was always a thought at the back of his head telling him not to get too close, or else he'll find himself head over heels and drowning in love. 

george never said "i love you", the words got stuck in his throat and besides, he wasn't too fond of the statement anyways. he did not need to love anyone; he was quite content with a life alone where he had friends who he cared for and who cared for him. 

besides, never loving anyone romantically would help save his relationship with his family. after all, the fear came from them in the first place. 

when he was a young boy, he loved his parents. they treated him like their golden boy, took him on vacations, and gave him almost everything he wanted. back then, george used to love the world, and he loved everyone in it. he was a protected child who knew there was bad in the world, but none of that negativity would ever reach him. george used to be invincible.

he was only eleven when it all changed. george was so giddy when he came home, excited to tell his mom the wonderful news of the day. he expected a wide smile and a hug, and maybe she would be proud of him for growing older and experiencing something new.

george had made a new friend with a boy in his class and it was nothing but innocent. george, with his then limited understand of the world and relationships, believed that he loved the boy. his mistake was ever admitting that to his mom. 

he remembered the red welts on his arms and face. she said she would get the sin out of him herself, and god help him if those words ever left his mouth again. she then cried, playing victim, saying that her golden boy was gone, her baby disappeared and replaced by the devil's influence. 

george never meant to hurt his mom, and he felt like a monster. he realized what being gay was, but denied it vehemently. he tricked his parents into believing him, putting on a perfect straight act from that day on. he never could love his parents again as they made his world so dark, ruining him. 

many years later, he stopped trying to deny he was gay to himself, but he would never say the words outloud. no one would ever know he was gay because no one had a reason to. he would never get into a relationship or get married because he didn't want to see the hatred on his mom's face again and be outcasted. george wanted everyone to be proud of him, except he had no one. 

he was a teenager in high school when he was introduced to the term philophobia, and he knew that's what he experienced. he was almost hysterical if he ever thought about really falling in love and the consequences that would come with it. 

every day it was a struggle. every time dream begged him to say "i love you" back, it felt too intimate. joking around never bothered him because it was nothing more than play-pretend, and his parents never payed attention to his content anyways. even though he convinced them he was straight, he never held a position of respect by them again, and they didn't give enough shits to support their son. every comment that he made with his friends about dating, he was always able to brush off, even if he shuddered when he thought about them days later. the words meant nothing, and george would keep it that way. besides, all of his friends were straight so he knew that they didn't mean the words either. 

he avoided ever getting personal with his friends, scared he would say too much at some point and his entire façade would crumble. he didn't want his friends to judge him, even though he knew they were accepting of the lgbtq+ community. george didn't want to be thought of as different, even though he knew his friends niki and eret would always support him, and truly everyone else would too. 

he was so jealous of niki and eret for being so happy with who they were, and wished he could be happy too. he didn't want to think of himself as being ashamed to be gay; he prefered to think of it as just a fear of being outcasted. it helped his conscience sometimes. 

george was also jealous of dream. he was jealous of how respected he was and how admired he was. he knew dream had a wonderful family who loved him beyond belief. he was even jealous of dream's appearance, often wishing he looked stronger to please his mom's ideas on what "true masculinity" was. 

most of all, george was jealous of how many people were proud of dream. he was so loved by millions of people.

meanwhile, george couldn't even be proud of himself.


	9. may 1st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we see all of our characters interact and share some of their fears and thoughts.

"dude it's like 16 degrees out here today, i'm going to leave you all for sunbathing!" george laughed, leaning back in his chair and stretching. 

"first of all, i know england is not sunny enough for you to sun bathe. second of all, 16 degrees celsius is still cold as balls. isn't that like 50 degrees or something?" sapnap questioned genuinely.

"it's 60 degrees dimwit." george deadpanned, and sapnap erupted in laughter. 

"try texas weather! you wouldn't survive a day george. i think you'd literally go up in flames." 

"try florida humidity; both of you have nothing on that." dream added to the conversation, though his voice sounded so far away, void of any of that joking tone that sapnap and george were spitting out. he genuinely was enjoying the time with them, but the exhaustion he felt was a murderer. 

plus, he was so cold. even in the florida heat, he felt frozen, living in thick sweatshirts and doubling up on blankets in his home. it was rare he ever needed his heating system, but he had been turning on his heat just to warm his frozen toes. dream's favorite article of clothing was a georgenotfound sweatshirt; it kept him cozy, even if it hurt his heart knowing it would only ever be george's sweatshirt wrapped around him rather than his arms. 

his mom had sent so much soup, honey, and even more tea, determined that atleast they could help diminish some of the soreness and pain that came with the disease. dream appreciated the soup and honey, but he thought the tea would make a nice gift to george, and shipped it out with a tag that said 'decided to ship this tea to you instead of throwing it in the harbor.' he hoped his friend would laugh at it. 

dream tried to follow the conversation for a moment before jumping back in, the conversation now moving to new video ideas. they bounced between a series of proposals for all three of their channels, sticking to the normal "minecraft but..." ideas and trying to come up with more challenges such as the mob hunt, as both george and dream had enjoyed recording that video. so far, their favorite ideas had involved trying out proximity chats.

"we should go on a filming streak guys. like, just record a bunch of videos in the next two weeks, enough for maybe two months or something? then we could just chill and you guys could stream with that extra time. just an idea." dream said, trying to sound nonchalant. in reality, it was all because he didn't want to be filming when he was weeks away from his deathbed. his voice had already gone to hell, but if he tried hard enough, he could laugh weakly and give slight shouts which would work for the videos. he didn't want to give his fans content where he sounded dead; they deserved better than that.

luckily, sapnap, even if he didn't register why, agreed with the idea, saying he was down to do that as long as they could get everything set up and check with bad to see if he could film throughout the week. 

they invited bad to the teamspeak, and soon enough he joined, his peppy voice greeting the rest of them. 

"dream, your voice sounds so quiet and sickly! are you feeling okay?" bad quickly caught on, concern in his voice.

dream forced a chuckle, and even though they couldn't see him, tried smiling in hopes it would project onto his voice. "still just some allergies and i changed the settings on my mic, maybe that's why i sound different?" 

"that would make sense!" bad replied, and dream inwardly sighed. people on twitter had been realizing too much too; dream had tried to be on as few streams as possible, but he couldn't completely cut himself out of content, and the fanbase noticed his lack of tea kettle laughs, shouts, and his considerably less energetic bits. but, what could he do? 

sapnap quickly took over the conversation, trying to swerve them away from the topic of sickness and microphones, which dream was thankful for. he explained their ideas to bad, and he said he was wholeheartedly down for it. 

the four got to planning, setting up concrete video ideas, a posting schedule, and when they would record throughout the next two weeks. after multiple hours, the team decided to call it quits for the night, with sapnap being the first to leave and dream following right after. dream was already buried under blankets in his bed when sapnap texted him, asking him if he was free to call. 

"dream, are you sure you don't want to tell george things now?" sapnap immediately questioned and dream wanted to hit his own head into the wall repeatedly in frustration.

"i'm sure sapnap; i don't want to tell george and just be rejected, which i know will happen. i'm okay with the way things are now, george and i can just be friends. we should just be friends and it's my fault i fucked that up and fell in love. but, it's okay, i'm okay, and i don't want to talk about it."

"let me ask you something; do you believe in soulmates?" 

"what? i mean, i do but how is that relevant? it's not like i can just continue living to find my soulmate and besides, i'm pretty sure george is my soulmate, atleast platonically." 

"then don't give up hope clay! you still have around two months to make any decisions, so don't restrict yourself to opening up and living while you're still alive. george would want that."

"sapnap, you're my best friend. i'd like to meet you atleast once. crossing off something for the bucket list, i guess."

"what, so i can be your maid while you rest?" sapnap joked, but his excitement was skyrocketing. 

he was finally going to meet his best friend and maybe talk some sense into him. that florida man was not ready for his presence.

~~

back on the teamspeak, george sighed. "is something wrong with dream?" 

bad frowned, shaking his head. "maybe? he seems okay, but he still has that nasty cough and mutes quite often. i doubt it's anything serious though, don't worry gogy!" 

"i guess so but it's more than that, too. he just...spends less time with us, i guess. with me atleast. i don't want us to drift apart. maybe i'm just reading too much into it, but i don't know. just ignore this." 

"your worries are totally valid george, don't undermine your own feelings. however, i'm sure he doesn't mean to distance himself. maybe something is just going on in his life that he doesn't want to talk about, or maybe he's just busy. i know he loves you george, you're one of his best friends."

"but then why wouldn't he tell me what's going on if i mean so much to him?"

"i don't know but there must be a reason. you're petrified of losing him, aren't you?"

"petrified?" george practically scoffed, but then he realized it was true. 

this was why he didn't want to ever fall in love. even friendships could have too much turmoil, too much questioning, too much doubt. what if he couldn't even make his friends stay? a significant other would leave him just as quickly. 

"bad, i am scared. all of you mean the world to me. i'd be lost without you! i met you all during the lowest period of my life and now we've all known each other so long...i'm happy with all of you! and of course i'm afraid of losing it."

"if i could give you a hug right now, i would you muffin. we all appreciate you so much, never forget that." 

"yeah, thank you. that really means a lot to me, more than you'd think. i don't mean to need reassurance and i hate asking for it, but i like it sometimes. it calms me." george opens up, trying to keep his façade atleast partially there.

"i'm always here. goodnight for now though. sweet dreams!" and with that, george was sitting alone in the call before shutting down his pc.

he remembered some things all too vividly, and his mom saying that no one could love him the way he was was one of those moments. he hoped she was wrong, but he couldn't help but shake with anxiety over the thought that his friends could leave him any day of the week and he would be alone.

an ocean away, one of the best friends in question was thinking about how one day, his friends would live without him.


	10. may 6th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which i present a filler chapter with angst.

the boys worked hard all week, beginning their recordings tuesday and spending hours upon hours in calls each day. by thursday, dreams voice was shot to hell, and he started taking more of a backseat in the conversations. it was all okay though, because sapnap's excited tone carried the mood of the recordings. 

dream spent a lot of time on calls outside of their recordings with bad, enjoying the boy's calmer presence. he debated inviting him to florida as well, but he didn't want to have to explain everything to bad. he felt it would hurt both parties too much, and though he trusted bad with his life, dream was worried that he would accidentally let something slip to george in his overwhelming emotions. eventually, he decided it would be easier to keep it a secret and just invite sapnap.

sapnap wanted to use his time on the trip wisely, trying to get dream to see the importance of admitting his feelings to george and saying he had hanahaki disease. even if george didn't reciprocate the feelings, sapnap didn't want dream to die feeling like he missed out on possibilites. plus, sapnap still believed there was a chance that george would learn to reciprocate the feelings. he believed george was just a more closed off person, and once he learned about dream's feelings, maybe things would change. 

as for george, he was just getting more worried as the days went by. he had a terrible gut feeling, his instincts telling him something was up, but he believed it was just anxiety from the pestering that had been coming from his family as of late. as he was getting into his twenties, they were on his back more and more, asking him about girlfriends and future plans. all of this only made him want a relationship even less. 

and bad was just worried for his friends, particularly george. he felt like he was watching his friend deteriorate in front of him, and he only knew a small portion of it all. he wondered if anyone else knew about george's fears but he didn't say anything. he wanted george to feel like he had someone he could always confidently talk to in private; bad knew he atleast needed someone. on top of that, he was slightly worried for dream's health; he had never gotten "allergies" this bad. 

each person hoped that soon enough, their issues would be gone. dream, the root behind many of those anxieties, even if he didn't mean to be and didn't even know some of the pain he was causing, knew that those concerns would be gone and replaced with only memories of himself; it was a never ending spiral. however, sapnap was determined to be the hero of the century. his plane to florida left in a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys!!! 500 hits?? what!? i wish i could thank you with more than this shitty filler chapter, but it's all i have for today. i promise the next few chapters will be more interesting and i hope you guys stick around. genuinely thank you for all the support, i love you all. <3


	11. may 13th/18th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which sapnap comes to visit dream.

sapnap landed in florida, his hands shaking. it all felt so surreal and anxiety dawned on him that this may be the first and last time he saw dream in person. he had one opportunity.

dream met him at the airport, staying inside his car the entire time and just texting sapnap where to meet up. when sapnap approached the car, dream couldn't help but grin and sapnap got into the car with a whoop.

"woah, there's a stranger in my car!" dream joked around, laughing quietly.

quickly, sapnap retaliated, "yeah, no georgenotfound am i?"

"low blow." dream said but chuckled still. the car ride back to his house was filled with excitement and their plans for the week. they were quite restricted as dream couldn't do anything that would make him lose his breath or cause him to cough, but sapnap was all okay with that. his goal was to make dream see that there was still beauty in the world, enough to make him atleast consider surgery. he wouldn't be upset if dream just admitted his feelings for george either. 

the first night was all catch up and sapnap being in uncomfortable awe of the bizarre disease dream was harboring. the petals and blood were a mess, the mood swings gave sapnap whiplash, and dream's emaciated form was hard to look at, but sapnap would be lying if he said he didn't rush to dream's side at every cough or make sure he ate enough food and stayed comfortable. 

"you fuss about me just like my mom." dream couldn't help but connect, and sapnap just rolled his eyes.

all throughout the week, the boys visited multiple tourist attractions in the state, with dream often sneaking to the bathroom to cough up the bane of his existence. it didn't help that sapnap tried to make everything more cheesy than it needed to be, and that he somehow was able to connect everything to george. dream thought even he didn't mention george as much as sapnap had on that trip. 

but dream would be lying if he said that sapnap didn't get into his head sometimes. 

three days into the trip was the first time it happened. the two were sitting in a park that was only a short walk away from dream's home, swaying back and forth on rusted swings. the sun was setting, beautiful oranges and pinks decorating the sky.

"i wish george could see how beautiful sunrises and sunsets are sometimes. i think he'd appreciate them." dream sighed, bringing up the topic of george for sapnap. hey, it saved sapnap from having to do some of the work.

"he'd find them gorgeous i think. he would love sitting here with us watching this if he had his glasses...maybe another time?" sapnap probed, trying to sound nonchalant.

dream shot down his request instantly, melancholy being portrayed in his tone when he responded; "there's not going to be another time. plus, george behind here would make things so much more punishing. i don't know if i can bare to see him in person at this state."

"you know, we could do this as friends. just sit here and be happy, all three of us. if you got that surgery, we could practically live together!" 

"yeah but would i even be living? would i be content? if i never loved again, would i be able to deal with my choice?" dream put his head into his hands, rubbing at his eyes violently. "every day, i think about how much george has impacted my life. would i forget what all of this felt like; even though this 'crush' has doomed me, i liked feeling so happy around him." 

sapnap couldn't persuade him into surgery, but if he cared so much about george, surely there was some way to get him to say that to george's face.

"what would you do if george felt the same way?" sapnap questioned, looking over and watching as dream's face contorted into a painful laugh.

"what do you mean? i would be ecstatic obviously, over the moon, and if he felt the same way then we'd be in a relationship but it's just not realistic under this period of time. unrequited love, nick. it's a terrible fucking thing." 

the setting sun was reflected in his eyes, making it look as though his eyes were on fire, illuminated with the yellow and orange flames. even though dream sounded heartbroken, sapnap thought he looked stronger than anyone else he had known.

~~ 

sapnap

george we make jokes all the time  
but do you actually have an interest in dream  
out of curiosity because i've heard i'm a good wingman

george

what?  
i don't think i like dream   
and who told you that

sapnap

you don't think?

george

that's what i said  
i don't like this topic

sapnap

so there's a chance?

george

sapnap stop.  
don't ever bring this up again.  
[read 11:37 pm]  
sapnap i didn't mean to come off as snappy, let's just forget this

~~

sapnap laid back on everything involving hanahaki for the rest of the trip until the last night he was there. he kept thinking about what george had said, hoping it meant there was something there, but worried that george would just never admit it. he had read george so well without even knowing it.

that last day, it had rained for its majority, but with night brought a clear sky where stars could be seen sprinkling the sky. 

dream had been sitting outside since the weather cleared, his eyes unfocused even though they were trained at the sky. there was still so much he needed to figure out before his time was up, but he couldn't even begin to figure out the next day would be like. it was like he was in a permanent state of drowning, and in a sense, the parallels between that and hanahaki were too intense.

failing to catch your breath, having your lungs fill up with unwanted substances, suffocating slowly before drifting away. 

sapnap stepped outside quietly, pulling up a chair next to dream's. dream turned to him then pointed up at the sky.

"you guys remind me of the stars. always there, always brightening up my day - well, my night, or just my life existentially. just being there for me. you guys are great people, and i want you to take that with you nick."

"clay, you still have probably a month or something. don't say your goodbyes now."

"oh, come on. however much time i have left, i feel like i'm going insane. am i even going to be myself in two weeks from now? am i going to be worth speaking to? i'm going to be a mess of blood and beautiful, menacing petals, sickly pale, with such a nasty cough and mood swings that make me want to take my pain out on everyone else. you can't tell me that i have so much more to expirence because maybe it's true but those words mean nothing. they mean nothing to me unless i expirence them. words are liars." 

"yeah but i am not a liar dream. you have to believe me." 

"maybe you're not, but do you know how many times words have been deceptions? god, i believed that one day, we would all be here in florida or england or texas, wherever we could meet. and we would record together and fill up our days with activities that last only hours but make memories for a lifetime. no one would worry, no one would be weeks from death, and we would go home and talk about it for months on end until we met again."

i had this dream that one day, i could just sit and look at the stars with him and he would be okay with just letting me rest my hand on his. and we would stay up late just talking and everything would be okay. i miss thinking that i had a chance, that i still had my opportunity because, sapnap, i can say whatever i want to at this point but i don't think it will change his mind about anything.

george has always been so closed off about his feelings anyways that it's not like he would openly tell me about them anyways. i don't know why he is and i wish he would just tell me about how he feels and his emotions, but he never does. no matter how many times i open up to him, he still let's so much go unsaid. i could confess my love for him and he would probably go mute on me. i'm not angry about that at all, i sympathize with it. keeping it all in fucking sucks. i'm just using this for why i know he wouldn't return those feelings within a month and i don't want to hurt him. don't we all already hurt enough?" dream concluded, standing up to stretch lightly.

sapnap couldn't even argue with that. however, that growing pit of anxiousness was eating at him, making him constantly aware of the fact that he had failed at keeping his friend alive.

"by the way, nick," dream had began his walk back inside, but he had turned to face sapnap again, "you don't have to save anybody. don't let guilt take you away, even if it's hard. you've done so, so much. all you have to make sure now is that you are happy; i want you to be happy too." and with that, dream stepped inside and shut the door.

sapnap stood outside, unsure of how to even react. it was almost two in the morning before he finally stepped back inside and climbed into the guest bed. sapnap, though he couldn't shake the fear of losing his best friend, didn't feel guilty for being unable to save him. 

he hoped that one day, he would love someone as much as dream did. maybe just without the unrequited bit.

~~

dream and sapnap's ride to the airport was gloomy. rain hit the windows with a soft pitter patter, streaking down the glass like tears. when they got to the airport, dream got out of the car to say his goodbyes, hugging sapnap tight. 

"remember what i said, okay?" dream whispered, their tears blending in with the rain. 

"remember that you will always be my best friend. even if you're gone."

finally, dream had to watch as sapnap walked into the airport. it was one of the most excruciating things he had ever expirenced.


	12. may 20th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george and dream get personal with each other.

george

dream :(  
it's been almost a week since we talked  
can we call if you aren't busy?

dream

shit it's been that long?  
i want to talk to you so badly  
i'm calling you right now

~~

"dream! i missed talking to you." george immediately said after answering the phone, putting it up to his ear before sitting back in his bed.

"george! i wish i called you more, it should be a crime to not talk to you for over two days."

george smiled and rolled his eyes, his anxiety lessening. "to be honest, i thought you were angry at me or something. like you just totally distanced yourself and i thought you started to hate me. i thought i was losing you." 

"what if you did lose me? what if i died?" 

george quickly realized he was talking to a drunk dream, the slur in his voice and his ominous words giving it all away. he worried that though this dream may appreciate him, sober dream was still avoiding him; but, he couldn't do anything about that anyways, so he tried to keep the conversation up.

"dream don't talk like that, you're not gonna die. just look both ways before you cross the street and you automatically live until 100." he laughed slightly at his own joke, but dream stayed quiet. "seriously, you aren't dying soon dream. i refuse to think that i'd lose you so suddenly, and your health, your life is great. you'll be okay."

"okay george, i believe you. you always know how to calm me down. you know, i don't say this enough but i genuinely appreciate how you gave me your phone number first, even when you were a bit uncomfortable with it, just so i could call you if i needed anything. and you made it so my calls would always ring so you never slept through them. that means a lot to me."

"well," george's cheeks were rapidly turning the color of carnations, "that's what friends do, i guess. just wanted to make sure you were okay and whatnot. i'd do that for anyone who needs it; it's an honor, in a sense, that i'm the one people want to turn to for help anyways. makes me feel better about myself."

george had seen dream drunk a handful of times, but he was typically not a sappy drunk. he was loud and chaotic, a mixture of laughter and slurred words, but never so vulnerable. this dream was like he had let every single guard down and was one comment away from tears. he had no clue how to deal with it.

"video call me, i want to see you!" george could almost hear the smile in dream's voice as he said those words, so he quickly called the boy on facetime. 

when george picked up, the first thing he realized was how disorganized dream's place was. then, he noticed how sickly dream appeared; he had only seen his appearance once, but there was obviously something wrong. he wasn't bashing dream's appearance or saying he looked bad; rather, he was saying that dream looked distressed with hollow cheeks, pale skin, and nowhere near as much energy as his dream had. george couldn't figure out whether these changes were the result of alcohol or if there was something else on.

"do you feel alright clay?" george looked into dream's eyes through the screen, neither looking away until dream responded.

"i'm so drunk!" dream laughed before coughing, quickly getting up and leaving george highly confused. it took him nearly three minutes before he came back, but when he got back he carried a cup of water, his alibi. "sorry, just needed water for my throat."

"no, no, don't worry, don't apologize. that cough sounded like you needed it."  
god, why was he so awkward? this conversation had made george's heart race with a multitude of emotions and his skin crawled. he didn't know what the hell was going on.

"i wish you could come to florida one day." dream said suddenly, looking around. "but i don't think you can be able to because," he made a wide gesture to his room, then gestured to himself, "this is a mess. i am a mess."

george wanted to cry, the pain in his friend's tone evident. "you know that doesn't matter to me right? your house could be a disaster and you could be, for lack of any other phrase, totally off the deep end, and you would still be my best friend. i don't care about any of that, i care about you."

immediately george wished he could take back those words. they sounded so intimate, so personal. there was no joking around, no cameras following them, and that's what made george feel so uncomfortable. he hated how he couldn't even show affection to his friends without feeling ashamed of himself. george tried to regain his composure, the sound of his heartbeat almost drowning out dream's response.

"i care about you too. you know, you mean pretty much everything to me." 

george swallowed, his throat tightening. "you're so drunk clay. go to sleep." he whispered.

"drunk or not, doesn't mean i don't care for you." 

"would you say this if you were sober?"

"i'll say it every day of the week if you want me to." dream's voice was dead serious. 

"you don't have to do that. just tell me now, tell me all about how much you care about me." george breathed, his face on fire. 

"i would drop anything for you george. if you need me, i'm here. and i care so much about you because you care so much about me, but without a doubt i care about you more. you always make me happy and no one else can make me laugh like you do. you always have patience with me, even when i am unbearable. you've stuck with me through everything. i want you," dream gulped, "i want you to be my best friend forever." 

dream cringed at his words; the fact he had to play all of that off as friendship when it was really just a concealed confession of love murdered him. 

"i'm not leaving you." george couldn't say anything more than that, every sentence dying in his throat. the conversation had gotten so far out of his comfort zone, yet he wouldn't lie and say that he hated this affection he was getting. 

both boys just looked at each other on the facetime call for a moment before dream finally asked him another question.

"do you believe in soulmates?" 

the question gave george whiplash but he kept his tone steady. "i do; i think that there are surely people in this world who are made for each other and each other only, and nothing can break that bond. but i'll tell you honestly, i don't believe i have a soulmate." he carried on, slightly unafraid to elaborate as he felt that dream would forget this all by morning. "i don't think i will ever love anyone at all. i don't really want to love. it- it scares me. i don't want to be hurt."

"i won't hurt you." 

george sucked in air, making a small "oh" sound, but dream carried on as if that were nothing, making george question what that statement even meant.

"i believe in soulmates because i like the idea that true love exists, and i feel like some people are just destined to be together. so much so that it could kill them if they weren't." 

"it sounds like you thought about that a lot." george said, his voice as shaky as his hands. 

"i have." dream responded before they descended into quietness again.

"dream i think- i think i'm going to head to bed. i'm feeling pretty drained right now."

"okay george, i love you." the words slipped out, and even drunk dream could realize they were wrong. but he hoped he could just blame it on the alcohol in the morning.

"goodnight," george responded before quickly hanging up. he rubbed his sweaty palms on the bedsheets, trying to remember how to calm down. he breathed in for four seconds, holding his breath for seven, before breathing out for eight. 

the question of "what just happened?" raced through his head, confusion and nerves muddling his brain. why did dream say all of those things? why did george feel so nervous? george hated his mind, hated his feelings, hated this confusion. why did his friend make him feel this way? none of if made sense. 

george quickly put on a coat before running outside into the cool, english air, basking in the refreshing feeling it gave him. within minutes, he had calmed, shaking off all of those emotions. they were nothing, anyways.

~~~

the petals were so red today.

dream wanted to smash the vodka bottles. he wanted to scream at himself, how stupid he is, but after retching up petals once the call ended, he didn't think his voice was anywhere near able to speak, let alone scream.

he didn't mean to push george so hard, even when he knew he had probably reached his boundaries, but still dream had pushed. dream was lucky he even had george as a friend, and it appeared as though he would lose that too if we wasn't careful enough.

he was grateful he had george at all.


	13. may 21st

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream asks sapnap for advice in the morning.

"you told him what?" sapnap exclaimed, laughter threatening to burst out.

"i told him i loved him! it just slipped out! don't laugh at me, none of this is funny! oh my god i have such a headache." dream rubbed his temples, feeling stupid. he remembered everything that happened last night, down to the expression on george's face to the shudder that he saw run through the boy at his words of endearment. still, he struggled to decide if george's reactions were good or if they came from a place of pure discomfort.

"it's not like you don't tell him that approximately every week, what's new?"

"i'm going to actually hang up on you."

"hey, hey, someone has to be honest. but dream, think about it this way; he showed how much he wants you around and said how he cares for you, maybe that means something?" sapnap tried to be serious, putting the shits and giggles to the side for a moment.

"it's all just as friends though, if i told him how i really feel? it would all be over." 

"i know you're wrong. he would never leave you dream, listen to the way he talks about you! it would kill him to lose you. i swear that man is just confused about his feelings." 

"are you sure?" dream didn't believe sapnap, thinking that he was sugarcoating to make dream feel better. 

sapnap rolled his eyes. "i am not in george's head but sometimes i think we know him better than he knows himself most of the time. and you are just out here being blind, so i have to know everything, and watching his behavior, he is probably questioning the fuck out of himself. i don't think you're doomed dream. not at all."

"but does he have the time to figure it all out?"

"isn't that where the issue lies? time is finite, as are we."

~~ 

dream got off the phone with sapnap just to dial george, all at the advice of the texan. sapnap had suggested dream play dumb about what was said last night if he was that concerned and dream decided he would play that bit up.

"hey, dream." george greeted, putting the phone up to his ear. 

"george! i have such a headache right now it is not even funny."

"well," george laughed, "you were pretty drunk last night. you were saying a bunch of things that clued me into that."

"really? like what?"

"well, i mean, it was nothing really, just slurring of your words and topics we don't really talk about much." 

george wasn't technically lying; they weren't ones to verbally express their affection like that, their care for each other being shown in subtle ways, but it was deeper than that. still, dream knew that george had successfully escaped the question and would be forced to move on, that conversation done. therefore, it came as a surprise when george brought back part of the discussion from the night prior.

"i asked you this last night but i just want to make sure...you weren't mad or anything, right? this past week?" 

"i am never mad at you." dream promised, making george smile.

"okay," george's next exhale let out all the worries, bringing a smile to dream's face. only then did the two move to a new topic, sharing new music and old jokes.

dream knew that acting as if he didn't remember anything had been useless and he had asked about nothing sapnap told him to, but dream didn't feel concerned about that. he enjoyed this time together, just sitting and talking while he still could. he wanted things to be genuine between them, and this felt so natural. this was how dream had fallen in love. if he ignored the way his chest always hurt and the petals itched the back of the throat, it almost felt like this could have happened years ago. 

time had always passed so quickly that sometimes, it was hard to believe things were so long ago. how had it been almost a month and a half since he realized he was sick? how did his crush on george develop over a year ago? when did it become love? dream's life had sped by him but still, dream felt like he was playing a waiting game; would george fall in love with him, or would the disease take him first?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are seriously crazy with all of the support you give me. i really hope you are all enjoying this and stick around until the end as i feel they are my best chapters (i wrote the end before i wrote the rest of the book - any other authors do the same? lolllll) but seriously, i appreciate you all!


	14. may 27th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream tries to face his loneliness.

as the days went by, dream had been feeling more and more alone. he knew he had so many people who cared for him, but not one of them could begin to understand what the disease did to him. it wasn't their fault obviously, but it didn't help the crippling loneliness that dream felt his chest ache with.

however, there were other people out there with hanahaki. it may be a rare disease, affecting very few, but he knew that someone else out there was sick too. if he could reach out, maybe that feeling would subside a little. he wanted to be heard, and someone who suffered like him would listen.

so, that was how he ended up spending hours at his computer, deciding to search through every single social media platform just to find someone who struggled like him. and when he said that that was hard, he meant it.

dream was met with countless of accounts and posts with the words "hanahaki disease", which for a moment made him think there was more people suffering than he thought. but once he began to click through, he saw how much of it was art, photography, and cosplay and his heart sunk. it would be no easy process.

instagram had been unsuccessful, which he had figured would happen. he just didn't think that photos of blood and petals would do great on the app.

twitter had been even less successful, in his opinion atleast. he was absolutely shell-shocked at the amount of content there was but how none of it was real. it felt like a blow to the stomach when he thought about how people out there don't even believe in the existence of this disease, but then again, he could not blame them. he spent hours on the app before giving up, feeling as though his head was going to explode soon enough.

dream took a deep breath, trying to curb the looming threat that he had no one brewing in his head. he would just continue searching further, ignoring the issue and crossing his fingers for luck.

it was nearly four hours later before dream finally found something that caught his eye. it was a blog containing almost thirty detailed posts about the author's struggles with hanahaki. dream's heart raced as he began to read the first post, feeling like he finally found someone he could connect with.

_"my name is amelie, and i am nineteen years old. there's not much to know about me except for the fact that i like writing and art, and my aspiration was for my voice to be heard. here's something else: i'll never be older that nineteen._

_i have hanahaki disease, which is going to kill me. i fell for my best friend over a year ago, and things were great. but she broke up with me because she felt we didn't have the same connection we used to. we didn't even stay friends. i was heartbroken. to all who are reading this, i have an obvious secret; i still love her. now, i will die for it._

_hanahaki disease forms from unrequited love, something that many of us have probably faced at one point or another. i don't know why we don't all suffer and die from hanahaki, but i guess maybe it has something to do with how we love? how intense it is and whether we could ever move on? and i guess that's why i would chose death over a surgery and losing all those memories and all that love i feel for her; because i can't see myself with anyone else. i am hung up on what we once had and how i want it again._

_i'm starting this blog to write down my journey with this disease. one day, it will be all that's left of me. but for now, i'm still here. if anyone else who suffers would like to reach out to me, all of my contact information is on my page."_

dream exited out of the post to click back onto her blog page, skimming through almost all of the posts. she detailed her symptoms and when they developed, what made them worse and how she coped, how she made the most of her time and stopped fearing the inevitable. she seemed millions of times stronger than dream, and he was envious but proud of this person who he did not even truly know.

it hurt to read through this girl's worsening symptoms. with each post, he got the feeling of a sense of urgency, feeling rushed even if there was still atleast a couple of weeks of life left. more than often, he felt that same way.

when he finished reading through all the posts, he typed in amelie's email address, beginning to pour his heart out.

" _hello! my name is clay, and i have hanahaki too. it's been a long six weeks since i diagnosed myself and i feel like i'm losing everything that makes me who i am._

_i also fell in love with my best friend. he doesn't know and i don't plan on him ever knowing. my biggest fear is what happened to you; that he will leave me and i won't even have a best friend. but, let me just say, you are handling this thing a lot better than i am. how do you not let death scare you? i don't want to leave everyone i love behind. the thought of never being able to complete things i dreamed of since childhood scare me. i don't even have a quarter of the strength that you do._

_i'm reaching out because i feel unheard with this disease. i told a friend and my immediate family, but i think that they think i am selfish, just letting myself die this way. i hope you're doing alright under circumstances like ours."_

dream sent the email, smiling slightly to himself. he wanted to tell sapnap but he didn't want the boy to take it personally if he just outright said he did that because he felt alone. sapnap had helped him immensely, but he hoped this would be help mixed with comprehension. he leaned back into his chair, exiting out of his email as he knew the girl would most likely not respond instantaneously, and looking over at the blog once more before exiting out of that too.

but as his mouse hovered over the red x at the corner, his eyes had caught something he didn't know how he could have ever missed. the last post had been written back in january.

the girl he just emailed was six feet underground. it didn't even sound like that last article had been her ending; she made it sound as though she had so much fight left in her, ready to survive for weeks more.

if someone that strong could end so quickly, what did that say about how dream would meet his end? dream thought about why death was such a petrifying idea for many minutes after that. none of it had to do with death itself; if he thought about it hard enough, really that would help him never be in pain again. all of it would end. it was the thought of never living again that scared him. he had tasted life and he had enjoyed what it had given him. now, he would be quickly stripped away, never knowing quite when his time would run out until it was too late. dream couldn't breath in fresh air or hug his friends or make an impact on others once he was gone. and in less than a hundred years, he would be completely forgotten. everyone who knew dream would be gone too, and with them, all reminants of him.

the day had come to a close, the moon bright in the sky, something immortal compared to humans.

somehow, dream felt more alone than before.


	15. june 2nd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which sapnap struggles with the thought of what will soon happen.

"dude, i am going to come back down to florida or something just to help. this is insane." 

dream sighed; he had been struggling more and more each day. his hands felt like ice, shivers racking his body even in the florida sun, and his chest constantly felt like it was squeezing in on itself. he was a shell of who he once was, and it killed sapnap to see that. 

"my parents stop by every day, it's not like i'm alone. besides, i can manage myself." 

"if managing yourself means wallowing in self pity for eight hours a day, yeah i'd say you're doing great." 

"here's the thing sapnap; i don't pity myself, not really atleast. i wish this didn't happen to me, yes, but i am still getting to control atleast some part of my life. i was the one who decided to die for love; isn't that dying to save myself?" dream questioned, his voice steady.

sapnap's voice was the opposite of steady; anyone could have noticed that he barely had it together, his voice thick with tears. "how is dying saving yourself? how could you possibly see it that way?"

"because maybe i'm selfish. maybe i would rather die than live sixty, seventy more years never to love again. if i get that surgery, all my memories with george are gone. maybe i would rather be in control of something with this fucking disease. if that makes me selfish, then i am selfish nick, and i am not sorry for it. this is my choice; don't act like it's yours." 

"well then i have a question for you, clay; is it so selfish to want your friend to live? is it so wrong? think about that. just think for once!" 

with that, sapnap hung up the phone. he slammed his desk, tears obscuring his vision, a mixture between anger and grief bubbling up inside of him. what did dream really expect of him? did dream realy think sapnap wouldn't argue against his choice? for someone supposedly smart, he seemed to misjudge human nature.

sapnap had to do something about this. so, he picked up his phone, his fingers shaking as he went to dial george's number. it was time to put an end to this. 

maybe sapnap was selfish. maybe he wouldn't regret it. 

if george knew what was going on, maybe he could get into dream's head. whether george let his guard down and let himself fall in love, or convinced dream to get the surgery, it would be worth it. sapnap knew he was out of place to do this, totally overstepping his rights, but wasn't it for a good cause? he told himself he was a good person before hitting the call button.

"sapnap?" george's voice felt like it echoed in sapnap's room, jolting the texan. it was now or never.

sapnap stayed quiet for a moment, gaining his composure before responding. his heart beat rapidly. "george, hey! i didn't mean to call you there, that was my bad. you're too boring to talk with so i'm gonna hang up now."

"okay," george said, drawing out the word, confusion lacing his tone. "whatever you say."

"wait! dream is having a bit of a bad day, so be extra gentle with him today. i'm sure he'll appreciate that." 

"oh, sure! i never mind helping him, even if he is a bit of an ass when he's upset." george laughed quietly.

"you're a good friend, george." 

"so are you, nick. talk to you later."

sapnap hit the end call button and promptly chucked his phone towards the bed, watching it as it bounced off it and fell to the floor. he crumbled to the floor, burying his face into his hands. he understood now why dream didn't want to tell george about his hanahaki disease due to fear of the fact that george would blame himself. what dream never took into consideration was the fact that sapnap would feel responsible, too.

back in florida, dream told sapnap not to blame himself. yet, that was all he could do. was he really a good friend if he didn't save dream?

sapnap hated this feeling. he had no intent of telling bad what was bothering him, but he texted the boy in hopes of comfort. bad was always willing to listen.

~~

dream jumped at the sound of his phone going off, and jumped again when he saw that it was george who was calling him.

"hello?" he said, his voice shaky.

"hi, how are you doing?" george asked tentatively, trying to probe his friend into opening up without forcing it.

"i'm...okay, i guess. not the best. not the worst." 

"you sound like you've been crying, dream. is something wrong?" george's voice was gentle, something that dream never got tired of hearing. for months, dream had felt comfort when he heard that voice; every late night when he needed support, dream had called him. even if things had changed, this time was no different.

"i feel like i have ruined everything! i keep pushing people away and still, i am so lonely. it's killing me, george. i don't know what to do anymore." 

"listen to me; no matter what you do, all of us will have your back forever, even if you push us away in rough times. you are stronger than you think and i believe in you. i don't know exactly what's wrong though, so i don't know how i can help." 

"i don't want to talk about what's wrong. i just needed to hear those words. they mean so much to me." 

"i'm glad dream. i am always here for you when you need me." 

"i wish that one day, i can be able to hug you as comfort. i can't even express how calming that would be; i could hug you for hours." dream rambled, hoping that george didn't take this awkwardly.

"i like being able to bring you solace." george answered honestly, though he couldn't imagine letting dream hug him. that was too close. what would his parents think? obviously though, he would never say any of this to dream's face. george wanted to make him happy, and saying that he wouldn't let dream hug him would do the opposite.

"you help me more than you could ever imagine. i'm a bit busy today but i am really glad you called so i could take a moment to feel better. you mean the world to me." 

"i'm glad dream." 

dream sat in his chair for a moment after the call ended before grabbing the garbage bin in his room and retching into it. this was his definition of busy.

this time hurt tenfold compared to other times. it felt like his lungs were on fire and he could hardly catch his breath, feeling as though he were being strangled. the world went fuzzy for a moment before his eyes cleared again.

at the top of the bin was an entire flower.


	16. june 5th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream begins saying goodbye.

dream

are you still angry at me

sapnap

no dummy  
i wasn't angry by the way  
just frustrated 

dream

are those not the same

sapnap 

definitely not

dream

whatever you say  
i'm just glad you're not angry  
thank you for everything you've done for me

~~

dream was saying his goodbye's without actually saying them. he felt he was mere days away from death's doorstep, vomiting full flowers consistently, feeling almost too dizzy and weak to stand up, gasping for breath. there was nothing that dream wanted more than for it all to end; he was tired of the suffering he endured. his time was almost up.

dream's project of the recent days had been figuring out ways to discretely bid farewell to all of his friends. he didn't want to tell them he was leaving the internet yet, as he felt too many things would get spread around and something bad could happen but he wanted to show his appreciation for them all one last time. dream's final hoorah.

he began with tommy and tubbo, two boys he viewed almost as younger brothers. he was so incredibly proud of them, and he hoped they cherished that friendship for years to come. it was always enjoyable being around those kids. dream donated them $10,000 each, writing messages of encouragement with their careers and telling them that he valued and cared for them greatly. by the time he finished that, he was already in near tears.

even though dream didn't have to tell sapnap goodbye discretely, he still donated $50,000 and told him how good of a friend he was. he donated the same amount to bad, telling him that he always enjoyed his presence and the smiles he brought.

slowly, dream worked his way down the list, donating to callahan and alyssa, some of the original smp members, thanking them for being there since day one, then to newer members such as puffy and ranboo, saying how much he appreciated the positive energy and new life they brought to the server. dream's least favorite part of this all was leaving his friends; they were the best part of his life.

dream left george for last, trying to think of a perfect message. eventually, he settled with a simple message, thanking him for always being by his side and ending it with "i love you". 

his friends all questioned his overly generous ways but dream shrugged if off, saying he just wanted to show his support to his amazing friends. dream was always so kind that they believed it. 

~~

the hardest people to say goodbye to were his family. dream dreaded the final "i love you" that would soon be uttered, and the fact that they could only watch as he weakened pained him. like with his friends, he wanted to say his coherent, meaningful goodbye's today, while he still could think half rationally and show his full appreciation.

as always, they came over to check up on him, something they would do until his very last day. they had stopped crying while they visited, saving their tears for silent bedrooms behind locked doors where they could pour their grief into the void and hide nothing. this time was slightly different, however.

dream began with telling his family that they would inherit everything he owned. he gave his friends everything that he needed to; the rest of his money and possessions rightfully belonged to his family. they could decide what to do with it all from there. dream just wanted them to have enough to take time away from work to grieve and for them to stop pushing themselves so hard. he wanted drista to continue to grow up comfortably and have enough to go to college if she desired, or use that money towards her own passions. 

dream wasn't sure what they could do with all of his possessions, but he knew that they would find some things valuable, reminding them of memories that would make them smile while simultaneously bringing tears to their eyes. dream hoped they would cherish some of his happiest belongings, but he also understood if they rid his house of everything and burned it all in a dumpster. sometimes, memories just became too bitter to be considered sweet to any extent. 

before his family left, dream told them how they shaped his life. he thanked his mom for raising him with such kindness and generosity, always teaching him what was right and wrong. he thanked his dad for the constant support and encouragement with all of his interests, and for always being willing to do activities with him when he was younger. lastly, he hugged drista, thanking her for always making him laugh and being the best sister he could have imagined. dream wished he could have seen her grow up, but he knew that she would have a wonderful future even without him there.

tears were definitely shed that day at dream's soft words - they felt like goodbye's, a word the family had begun to refuse to speak. if they said "see you later", maybe it would always be true.

dream watched from the doorstep as they headed back to their car hours later, clearing his throat to make sure he could make his voice loud enough to reach them. 

"you guys were the first people who i loved unconditionally. you taught me the importance of family, and for that i cannot thank you guys enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! i really hope you are all enjoying this story! i appreciate the support so, so much, it means the world to me. it's going to start wrapping up, maybe 5ish chapters left? (that is very subject to fluctuate). thank you for reading and take care of yourself!


	17. june 9th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which dream pours his heart out in writing.

dream had made an impact on the world or atleast, that's what he kept telling himself. he hoped that he had done his job as a content creator well, finding comfort in the fact that he had made millions of people smile, atleast to an extent. maybe they would remember him.

dream feared being forgotten. he didn't want to burn out with nothing to show for it. while his life had been a partial wreck, he was proud of it.

so, he sat at his desk and turned on his computer, knowing that this was one of the last times he would listen to the start up whir of the fans and blink at the light of the start up screen in his dark room. he cracked his knuckles, taking in a shuddering breath that sent stabbing pain through his chest, and then he began.

~~

_hello hello! not gonna lie, i don't really know how to start this blog. i didn't think i'd ever put this part of my life out there, but then again, i never thought i would even be experiencing something like this. i guess life is full of surprises. isn't that what makes it exciting?_

_i have hanahaki disease, a fatal illness caused by unrequited love. for months, i have been coughing up petals. for weeks, i have been growing weaker and weaker. for days, i have known that i am, if i am lucky, maybe a week or two from death. i am struggling to breathe, intense chest pains, there's blood on the petals i vomit. but here's the thing; i don't think i'm as afraid anymore. not of death, atleast._

_the things i fear most are being forgotten and being alone. but, i hope those won't happen to me; i have a great family who will keep my memory alive, and amazing friends. no one understands me when i say this, but i am dying for them._

_i had a choice between dying and a surgery that would cure me. clearly, i didn't chose the surgery because i would not be writing this now if i had; i would have been cured back in april. here was the thing with surgery; number one was that i would lose all feeling for the person i love unconditionally, forgetting all that feeling of bubbly happiness they gave to me. number two was that in some odd cases, i would be unable to love anyone at all, platonically or romantically. that would be worse than death. it would be a worthless life and i would most likely end up throwing it away only months after the procedure if i chose it._

_i fell in love with my best friend. we've known each other for years, but i've only developed feelings for him one year ago. when i realized what i felt towards him, it almost crushed me. i was not out to anyone, i felt like he would hate me if he found out, and he's straight. it was like a punch to the gut initially._

_through all that, i continued falling. call me a hopeless romantic but i had hope for awhile. you guys are probably rolling your eyes, thinking "man, this guy thought he had a shot and now he's dying because this boy didn't love him back, yikes". you're right, i can't deny that, but you guys have never heard the soft tone of voice he uses with me when i am lost in my mind or his laughter or seen the way he smiles._

_he's a streamer and my favorite thing is when i'm talking to him while he's live and he smiles at something i say. that is the most rewarding feeling. i could feel so shitty about myself but knowing that i made him smile is enough to make me start to love myself again._

_my family taught me the importance of love; my mom and dad have been happily together for quite some time and i've looked up to them for what feels like forever. but this boy taught me what it's like to be in love and be loved, even if he didn't love me in the same way. god, i would be lying if i said it didn't hurt that he only looked at me as a friend, but it was better than nothing. just to have him by my side for all these years was enough._

_i'm dying to protect this innocent love of mine. he has shaped me to be the person i am today and the surgery would take that all away. i don't want to think about a life without him, honestly._

_it hurts knowing that this is where my path diverges from him, from my friends and from my family. i wish i could have stuck around a little while longer; watch my sister grow up and my friend's platforms grow and always be that encouraging figure that everyone needs. i feel selfish for putting myself above that and letting myself die, but it's my life. this disease has left me nearly no control of my own life, so i guess i had to make a choice myself._

_i don't intend for anyone specifically to see this. i just wanted to leave one last footprint of my life behind. maybe one of you lucky few who find and read this suffer from the disease as well and can relate to my life. maybe it will be a solace in one of the loneliest times of your life. but i promise you, you are not alone. i don't know if things will get better, but hey, things can't get worse! (i'm playing with you, seriously. i genuinely believe most of you will have a shot at life and love again.)_

_i've hurt a lot of people in my life, specifically because of this disease. i've pushed people away and neglected the care they gave me. let me tell you, that was the worst thing you could possibly do. if i had died while i was arguing with one of best friends, i don't think i would ever forgive my dead, damned self. keep the people you care for close and tell them you love and appreciate them as much as possible. i never used to do this enough, but hanahaki disease has changed my outlook on life as a whole. i think we take too many things for granted._

_my life is coming to an end. it's a very foreign concept, dying at twenty one with no miracle cure in my week long future. let me tell you, i really am preferring death these days over this nasty cough and the excruciating pain i feel. still, i don't regret falling in love._

_on the very slim chances that two specific people see this; nick, thank you for sticking by me since day one. you are the greatest friend i could have ever asked for. and george, you're the one who i look at with stars in my eyes. i was your **dream**. you were mine. it was always in different ways, but i never complained. _

_forever and always, i love you guys._

~~

dream knew that his blog wouldn't be found my sapnap or george, but he wanted to write that ending. he shut down his computer, climbing into bed, a wave of peace washing over him. dream felt complete.


	18. june 14th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which they say their goodbye's.

george and dream sat on the call, everything around them quiet. it was peaceful and serene, late into the night for george while dream had watched the sun set only an hour ago. nights like these were one of their favorite times together; it loosely resembled being physically together, each person doing their own thing but looking up to share a joke or tell an occasional story. here was where they would get the most personal with each other. 

however, this night was anything but peaceful for dream. he was fidgety and restless, anxiety taking over his body as he thought about what would soon unfold. today would be the last late night call. today would be the last day dream talked to george at all. dream was leaving the internet tonight.

he had informed the rest of his friends earlier in the day, requesting that they say nothing. in a week from this day, his final video would go up; his thank you and goodbye. dream didn't even know if he'd be alive to see it, as he had scheduled the video much in advance. he didn't want any word getting out before then and causing a further panic. 

telling sapnap and bad his true goodbye's was one of the hardest things dream had done. the three sat sniffling and in agony as dream explained that he was leaving the internet. feeling as though bad deserved to know, dream even told him why.

bad's heart broke for one of his best friends. he was never expecting a goodbye like this and never thought that dream would be taken away due to love. it hit bad hard, nearly sending the boy into a full on breakdown as dream tried to reassure him. sapnap didn't even know what to say to help, so he stayed quiet. the sudden distressing news left bad speechless for what felt like hours before the three boys told each other how much they cared for one another. when dream left the call, life had begun to slip into an inbetween, where this reality suddenly felt real but at the same time, it was like something out of a nightmare. dream had been like a ghost since.

now here dream was, unprepared for a second confrontation all within the same day. he didn't even know how to approach the conversation. short and sweet? cold, harsh, and quick? 

how do you leave someone you wanted to spend forever with?

dream muted and went to cough up his flowers tinted red, looking at his bloodshot eyes and shaky hands. it was death or life without love. dream had made his choice long ago. everything he did, he did with george in his mind.

he cleared his throat and then unmuted, his tongue tied before he began to speak. 

"george..." dream began slowly, the name nothing more than an exhale of air. "i have to tell you something important."

"i'm listening." george leaned forward in his chair, clasping his hands together. 

"i'm leaving the internet." 

"what do you mean, 'leaving the internet', what does that mean?" george's voice shook, clear discomfort and bewilderment lacing his voice as he repeated the question multiple times. george knew that dream had gotten a lot of hate on the internet, but was quitting youtube really what he wanted? for years this had been his passion; it had to have been something deeper.

"i mean that i'm going to stop uploading on youtube. i'm going to delete twitter and instagram. i'm leaving discord and am not using teamspeak again." dream took a breath, pain ricocheting through his chest as he prepared his next words. "i'm deleting all the phone numbers i have from you guys. when i say i'm leaving, i mean that fully." 

"clay, you're joking. this is a prank right? well it's not very funny. just stop, it's scaring me." 

"please don't contact me again. i need a break from this world. you won't hear from me again when i hang up this call, i'm serious." 

confusion clouded george's brain. none of this made sense. "do you expect me to just let you leave? i could just fly to florida and come to your house, i have your address from sending you merch. i will, i will do it." 

on the other side of the call was a crash, as the glass cup dream set on his desk shattered as he threw it to the ground in frustration. why did george have to make it more painful than it already was? 

"god, george, please just listen to me. i need to leave. it hurts to leave you behind, but...it's better for me." 

"your life is better without me in it? you could leave the internet and still talk to me, you know that right. what about sapnap and bad, too?"

"i'm deleting all of your numbers." 

"why?" george's voice wavered as he asked the question. this was his biggest fear; getting close to someone just for them to leave when he felt comfortable. dream was his closest confidant; now, once again, it felt like george would have no one. he would surely return back to his life of solitude, because if he left everyone else like dream did, they couldn't leave him. it would hurt less that way.

dream obviously refused to tell george why, going silent on the boy. in his mind, there was nothing worse than george finding out he died and how. he couldn't bare leaving the earth if he knew george found out about his illness and blamed himself. he knew george would villainize himself until he was a shell of the happy person he was prior to that. that would be like dying twice. all dream wanted was for george to be happy.

"clay?"

"i'm really sorry i have to leave." dream was gripping his desk so hard his knuckles had done white. 

"you don't have to leave. nothing is forcing you to."

once again, george was met with silence. they paired together well with the silent tears running down his face. 

"you're my best friend clay, please stay with me. don't leave me alone, i'm begging." 

dream stiffened at the words, his world spinning. "that's the issue: i can't be your best friend anymore." there was venom in the words 'best friend', though george had no clue where to begin if he wanted to find out why. 

before george could say anything, dream started coughing violently. it was time to wrap this up.

"thank you for memories i will cherish forever. i love you george," dream choked out between coughs. and then all george saw were the words 'call ended' flash across his screen. 

the words "i love you too" laid dead on his lips. george would never get an opportunity to tell dream that.

all george wanted was his best friend.

best.

friend.

~~

back in florida, dream was grasping at his throat, trying to remember how to breathe. blood splattered the bathroom tiles around him as he fought against the disease inside of him. he grabbed his phone, trying to dial his parents for help.

dream's world was swaying, a mess of vibrant colors and bright lights. nothing was in focus. he let himself slide down the tiled wall, too weak to support himself. his face was blotchy and blue. 

sitting against the wall, dream let his eyes flutter shut while his mom's voice was heard yelling his name on the phone.


	19. june 15th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george has to face his feelings and make a decision.

george's mind had been in overdrive since the moment dream had ended the call hours and hours ago. had he hurt dream? is that why he wanted to leave? was he a terrible friend? he never meant to hurt dream if that was what happened. he swore that he would fix it if dream just came back. 

what had george done to deserve losing his best friend? is was like dream had died, but maybe it hurt more. it hurt more that his best friend would be an ocean away, four thousand miles, an entirely separate continent, just carrying on with his life. it hurt more knowing that one day, dream would probably let george slip from his mind as he settled down with a family. george's heart skipped a beat at that thought; it was terrifying. the past flashed before george's eyes as he realized there would be no more memories like that. 

maybe george wished dream was dead. it would hurt less knowing dream was forced to leave him rather than choosing to leave him. then, george was eaten up with guilt at the fact he even thought of that. dream deserved to live; if he wanted to move on and leave this life behind, he had every right. george just wished it didn't have to be this way. 

his feelings were in a whirlwind. that sadness and guilt disappeared, replaced with deep anger that consumed him.

"what do you mean that you love me?" george shouted as if dream could hear him. "you say you love me and then you leave me? what sense does that make? oh right, it doesn't make sense at all!" 

george threw a pillow, watching it as it hit the wall before falling weakly to the floor. he fell to the ground with it, screaming to the ceiling and the stars beyond it.

"how many times was i there for you? how many times did i make you laugh? i was a good person to you and then you just left! i hate you! i hate you, i hate you, i hate you!" george let the venomous words hang in the air before he started to sob, cries shaking his entire body. "i was a good person to you clay. come back to me."

just like that, all the anger disappeared, replaced by the guilt once more. george knew it was his fault, even if he didn't really know anything at all. he pulled up their old messages, scrolling through weeks worth of texts, looking for some reason that dream may have left him, something that he said that was taken the wrong way. there was nothing. his eyes were so full with tears anyways that it was nearly useless to do that.

everyone would leave george. he was sure of it. his mom was right when she said he was unlovable the way he was. george would always be left behind. he wasn't worth anyone's time and that was something he was forced to accept. his heart cracked at the thought of being alone like he was so many years ago. it was true, he never got hurt in those years, but did he want to be alone again? the answer was no. george wanted to have people around him. he wanted friends who cared for him. 

george wanted to love. even if dream had left him, george wouldn't trade those times together for the world. even if that happiness was temporary, he would run for it. fuck what his mom said, fuck what the world said. george would open himself up more. it's what dream would have wanted. 

but at this moment, george only felt like he was endlessly falling towards an inescapable depression. in a weak attempt to feel rooted to the world, george called sapnap, lifting himself off the floor and bringing himself to his desk.

"hello?" sapnap said shakily. he had a feeling that george would be absolutely beside himself at the moment, and he was right. george's sobs interrupted most of his words as he pleaded with the younger boy to give him advice or atleast just stay with him for awhile so he could get this all figured out.

"promise you won't leave me too, nick. you're my best friend. i couldn't live if both of you were gone." 

"i'm not going anywhere." sapnap promised, tears running down his face. he wanted to sit down with george in person and they could work through this together. once this died down a little, sapnap would remind himself to plan a meet-up with george; it was long overdue. 

the boys sat on the phone for hours, their sobs mixing and their words coated with pain. eventually, there came a point where george couldn't even cry anymore. he sat there for so long, letting his eyes stay unfocused, before he tried to clear his head.

sapnap heard george suddenly start to type, confused on what he was doing. he thought about questioning it but it could have been more personal for all he knew. minutes after the fact, george spoke up.

"i'm going to florida. my flight leaves in two days, on thursday."

"you're going to where george? are you sure you want to do that? are you going to see dream?" sapnap spit the questions rapidly, worry making his brow crease. 

"to florida. i'm sure, i already bought the tickets. i have to. nick did i...did i do something wrong to clay to make him leave?"

"you did nothing wrong, it's not any of our faults. i truly think you should just stay home, please." sapnap was practically begging, but his words were falling upon deaf ears.

"i need the closure, i need to see him even if it's the last time i will ever speak with him. i can't do this, just having this hanging over my head for the rest of my life like a guillotine."

"and if it hurts him? isn't this what he didn't want?"

george flinched at the words, knowing there was truth in them. he knew dream didn't want george to contact him ever again, but george couldn't have begun to guess why. 

"i know he didn't want this but i need to take that risk. if he wants me to leave, i'll go immediate. i just- if dream really doesn't want to see me, do you think i could meet you in texas?" george practically held his breath as he waiting for sapnap's response. 

"my home is always open to you." sapnap finally said, closing his eyes to avoid more tears from flowing.

"thank you nick." george hunched over, laying his head in his arms that rested on the desk. 

"please get some rest for now george. take care, okay?"

george nodded even though sapnap couldn't see him. he was so grateful for him.

when the call ended, sapnap let himself sob again. he had a feeling that george would never get whatever "closure" he desired and it would all be too late. he hit his desk, trying to release all the pent up frustration and sadness that had rooted itself in him. 

sapnap had had his last conversation with dream yesterday. for him, it was already over.


	20. june 17th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george goes to florida.

george wheeled his luggage into the airport, trying to calm himself. he had been crying consistently since dream had left him, having no clue what to do with himself. he had tried to seek solace in the fact that he still had sapnap and bad, and had even spent time with quackity in the hopes that he would be able to laugh but all he felt was a gnawing feeling in his stomach. he felt like he had lost a piece of himself and he wasn't even sure why. how did george let himself get so attached to someone? didn't he know better? 

george knew that no matter what happened, he would never forget dream, nor would he ever overlook the positive impact dream had brought to him. dream had saved him, essentially. dream made him want to finally feel alive and stop hiding from everything that made life so special. george boarded the plane with tears in his eyes, taking his phone out quickly to call sapnap before take off.

"i am so scared that he's going to hate me. i'm scared i'm going to get to florida and he's going to be gone, moved from that house and far away and i will never see him again. what do i do?" george rambled before sapnap could even get a word in.

"hey, he's not going to hate you. he loves you so much." 

"then why is he gone?" 

sapnap stuttered on his words, having no clue what to answer. at that moment, the flight attendants shrill voice rang out, telling everyone to put their phone on airplane mode. george shut his eyes, wishing he didn't have to get through this ten hour plane ride alone. 

"have a safe trip george. please call me when you get there."

"i will nick. take care." 

the plane took off a bit later and soon enough, george could see the world so far below him and the clouds within reach. he tried to be calm but he was nothing but jittery, his gut twisting when he thought of what could happen when he touched down in florida. 

he just wanted his friend to be happy to see him. 

~~

george was approximately a twenty minute drive away from dream but, he still had to go through luggage, plus wait for an uber, and he felt like all his time was being eaten away. his heart pounded in his ears. the time had thrown him off on top of it all; it was only ten at night and still thursday, when it would have already been the 18th for george. he already felt so out of place. 

he ran outside after luggage and called for an uber, then called sapnap while he waited. sapnap wished him good luck, and it was clear he had been crying. george felt himself choke up too, scared of what could happen within the next hour. 

in the uber, george had to talk himself through this, pleading with himself to not back out. he hadn't come this far to not see dream and tell him what he needed to. when the uber driver said he had reached his destination, george jumped, the sudden voice scaring him. the driver gave george a look mixed with pity and confusion before he drove away. 

dream's house was blue; atleast, that's what george saw. he stood looking at it, his face illuminated by the flickering streetlights. his feet felt like they were trapped in cement, and with heavy legs and a mind screaming at him to turn back, george fought through it and took his first steps forward.

he stopped at the door, his fist motionless in the air, trying to determine if he should knock or not. he couldn't help but imagine how annoying and confusing it would be to have someone knock at your door at nearly eleven at night and cringed at his own actions, but he still brought his fist to the door and hit it three times. 

minutes went by. 

george didn't know how to approach this situation. he knew someone was home as there was a car in the driveway, but the house seemed dark except for one window. his hand trembling more than before, he knocked again. 

the world seemed still. 

then, finally, there seemed to be a movement in the house as feet were heard, then a cough and a weak "fuck". the door swung open, and there he was. 

"clay?" george looked at him, taking in his sickly appearance. red stained the collar of his shirt and crimson petals stuck to his clothes. dream's eyes looked at george with shock. was he just imagining the boy standing outside of his house? this couldn't be real. 

"george?" dream whispered, his hand raising as if he were going to touch the boy in front of him just to make sure he really existed. but he let his hand fall, trying to use his words instead. "is that really you?"

"it's me. i'm here."

dream tried to stay upright and tried to stop what would happen next, but his legs had already given out on him. he had barely moved since his parents had found him minutes from death days ago and his entire body was unfit for a surprise of this caliber. he fell to his knees, coughs and sobs reverberating within him. within seconds, george was on the ground next to him, grabbing at his shoulders and trying to keep him from hitting his head against the doorframe or the floor. 

"what's wrong clay? please, please, what's wrong?" 

dream looked up at the sky, at the stars that could be seen above them and smiled, a bittersweet expression on his face.

"i always wanted to look at the stars with you." he gasped out, before retching petals in front of george's feet.

george jumped back, releasing dream who fell back against the door. 

"what the fuck?" george murmured, looking at the emaciated dream and the blood and petals that had just come from him. he called for a ambulance immediately while the blond looked at him in pain. 

"i never meant to hurt you george. i never meant to keep secrets and lie but i wanted to protect you from this. i have hanahaki disease and it's killing me, right here, right now. it stems from unrequited love. i'm dying because i love someone who doesn't love me back. it sucks, doesn't it?" if dream could find enough strength to hit himself, he would smack himself right across the face. george wasn't meant to ever know any of this and here dream was, dying right in front of the boy. what was george even doing in florida? 

george kneeled down next to dream, trying to atleast calm him while they waited for the ambulance. he knew nothing about this disease so he was not even sure they would be able to help, but he hoped beyond all else they could save dream. george tried to remember things he had learned in a first aid class about how to help someone who was choking. after all, it seemed that that was what was happening to dream; he was choking on flowers. george put his hands on both sides of dream's head, his touch gentle, and he tilted the blond's head back.

the sirens of the ambulance could be heard; they were so close now. dream looked at george once more before closing his eyes. he needed to say one last thing but he didn't want to see george's face when he said them. 

"it's you. it's always been you. and i would die a hundred times over if it meant i would get to love you. whether you love me back or not, i will always chose you." 

dream turned his head away from george as he let go of dream's face and vomited again. george could see the shadows of blue siren lights dance across the peaceful homes nearby. he begged them to come quicker.

"clay, stay with me. look at me. don't go away right now. stay with me, please!" 

dream opened his eyes, seeing the flashing red and blue lights approach them. the red of the emergency lights matched the color of the blood soaking the pair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for not updating yesterday. not only was i celebrating christmas when i felt alright but most of my day was a huge struggle. i don't mean to make you guys wait for these chapters and i hope you all can forgive me. i really appreciate the overwhelming support, it means the world to me. thank you and i love you all <3


	21. june 18th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george realizes it's time to come clean.

it was just past midnight when the ambulance had arrived to the hospital. george had cried the entire ride while the doctors interrogated him about what was going on, having no clue how to treat dream and barely even a clue on what the disease was. the only thing they could do was put him on oxygen and monitor him to make sure his airways stayed as clear as possible. besides for that, there was nothing to save him. 

once they were inside the hospital, george was exiled to the hallways. sat outside the room dream was assigned to, he could hear the doctors shout orders and the beeping heart monitors. he called dream's parents as well as sapnap and bad, telling them all that they had to come immediately. 

george leaned his head against the wall, trying to stop himself from hyperventilating. in his mind, he was fighting with himself. dream had said that he was the one who he loved and george still couldn't begin to wrap his mind around it. for years he had hid his sexuality and refused to love because he felt so different and to an extent, he felt wrong. yet, all this time dream wasn't straight either. 

and dream loved him. 

george felt like he was to blame for this all; if he had opened up, could him and dream have worked out? would george have been able to put all the thoughts his mom had rooted into him to bed? 

all these realizations were too late. george felt like the world was crumbling around him and he was losing his footing, falling into the darkness below. 

inside of the hospital room, dream was losing his battle, too.

~~

sapnap's flight to florida would leave late that night, meaning he would only arrive early tomorrow morning, and bad would arrive around the same time, but sapnap refused to let george be alone with his thoughts even for just a day. 

"sapnap, i have no clue what is going on." 

sapnap wasn't sure if dream would want him to tell george all of this, but sapnap felt that george had a right to know. "i've known about dream's hanahaki since the beginning; i wanted him to tell you about his feelings because i hoped they would spark something in you, but dream was always too strong-headed."

"too strong-headed for his own good." george hiccupped, tears forming in his eyes for the billionth time in the past few hours. 

"dream had two options; dying while loving you or a surgery that would mean he would never be able to love you again. if the surgery went really wrong, he would be left unable to love forever. obviously, you know which one he picked. he was okay with dying as long as he got to love you, george. he didn't regret anything." 

"why? why couldn't he just give up on me? he could be safe at home, laughing, successful, and he would never even think about needing me again. can't he just focus on saving himself before worrying about others?" 

"you're one to talk about saving yourself, aren't you?" sapnap questioned. it was a loaded question but his voice was soft; he meant no harm with it. 

george went silent for a long minute before he finally answered. "what do you mean by that?"

"always one to comfort dream, always focusing on making us laugh, always letting us know we could come to you. you've helped all of us; we open up to you all the time. but how many times do you tell us when something is wrong? how many times do you let yourself be vulnerable? you've never let your guard down. are you okay? do you ever put yourself before others?" 

sapnap had read george perfectly and it felt like the wind had been knocked out of george. he didn't even know how to respond, scared to open up but wanting to be fully honest for once in his goddamn life. 

"i learned to hide my feelings a long, long time ago. i've been doing it since i was a child. i'm scared of myself and even more scared of what others think of me. i used to not want friends, but then i met you guys. for a long time, i thought i was unable to love because i rejected even just the thought of a crush."

"do you still think you're unable to love?"

the question hung in the air before george's answer sliced it down. 

"i don't think so. i am scared of love and scared of its consequences, but i'm not unable to love. i think if i just listened to myself and learned to love myself..." george let his voice trail off, unsure if what else to say, before adding one more thing. "i'm gay, by the way. i thought my feelings were invalid and improper, so i pushed them away. surprise, i guess." he laughed bitterly.

sapnap smiled through his tears, thinking about how when he arrived in florida, he would give george a huge hug before he did anything else. 

"i'm happy you trust me enough to tell me; i know it must have been hard. don't feel bad about being unable to admit it sooner; feelings are hard."

"yeah, they really fucking are." george said, getting choked up on full-fledged sobs. "you said that dream didn't regret anything earlier. well, i do; i regret everything about the past few months. i wish i just told him 'i love you' back. i wish i let myself love him. now, he's too far gone and my revelation is too late but i love him. he's always been more than a friend; why else would i be so reliant on him, why else would i get butterflies when he talks to me sometimes? love hurts, nick. love took him away right when i realized how i felt, leaving one of us dead and one of us alone."

"dream is still alive, george. he might be unconscious, but maybe a confession will be enough. maybe it's not too late." 

"i don't think i have the time." george said, looking into the bustling hospital room. "but if i really love him...

it's time to come clean." 


	22. june 18th/20th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which george admits his feelings while playing a waiting game.

as soon as george got off the phone with sapnap, he tapped a nurse's shoulder and politely asked if he could sit in the room with dream. lucky for him, most of the doctors had cleared out, shaking their head as if they were silently saying there was nothing they could do anymore but wait. 

george walked quietly into the room, taking a look at the beeping machines and multiple iv's that were hooked up into dream. it knocked the wind out of him, the sight of his once invincible friend so weak. he had never admitted it to dream's face, but george had always admired him; he admired his ability to bounce back, to deal with hate, his strength in all situations. now dream curled in on himself like the pages of an old journal, past their prime and fragile. it was an unbearable sight.

george kneeled against the hospital bed, gently taking dream's hands into his own, being careful not to disturb any of the iv's. he bowed his head, tears falling onto their entwined hands. he needed to say something, knowing this was most likely his final opportunity; for all george knew, this could even be goodbye. the hourglass was running out of sand, the clock ticking. 

time was a currency, and george was broke.

he looked at dream's face, mostly hidden beneath an oxygen mask, but still he took the beauty of him in. he wanted to run his thumbs across his cheeks, count the freckles on his face, run his hands through his hair. george wanted to take his enchroma glasses and look into dream's eyes; were they as green as he said? would george ever get to see his eyes? 

finally, george opened his mouth.

"please just wake up. i wish i knew what you went through, and i wish i could take this pain away. you didn't deserve to struggle for months just because i was denser than a rock and full of self-hatred and absolutely terrified at the thought of love. if i had just payed attention...if i had just realized...maybe then-" george cut himself off with a sob, then took a deep breath to continue. "i know you probably would yell at me for blaming myself, but it's so hard. if you die right here, i don't think i could forgive myself. 

why didn't you tell me? i wish i knew what your thought process was. i thought i knew so much about you, but now i'm not sure. and i guess you probably think the same about me. ironic, isn't it?" george let out a strangled laugh before ducking his head down so his forehead would rest against the bedsheets. 

"you've made me undeniably happy. i would be miserable without you: i would have never gotten close to anyone and i would've spent the rest of my life thinking there was something wrong with me. but you made me realize i was worth so much more and i can never thank you enough for that. you made me feel all the positives in life. i need to repay the favor. 

the night you told me you were leaving was so out of the blue that i knew something was wrong. my clay would never leave every single friend he made online without an explanation. i hope you're not angry i showed up at your doorstep, by the way. i needed to see you and get closure if you really planned on not coming back. i never expected this outcome. still, i'm glad i found you. maybe i gave us one final chance by doing that." 

george looked up at dream who still laid motionless. he shook his head, trying to continue through the pain.

"i wish these weren't our circumstances, but i won't ever be given a better time if i don't do it now. if you can hear me, just know i love you. romantically. and it fucking sucks-" george's voice cracked and it took him a moment to be able to continue. "it fucking sucks that it takes you being on your deathbed just to get me to admit it. it feels wrong that it happened this way, but i promise i'm not lying about loving you just so you'll stay alive. this isn't a fleeting love that showed up in a second and will disappear just as fast. this is a love i repressed for months, but now i'm learning to let it blossom. 

when you left me, i realized how much you meant to me. it was like the floor was ripped out from under me and i learned that you kept me stable. these past few days have been agony; i can't eat, can't sleep, can't pretend like i could live a life without you. it's more than just a desire for facetime calls and playing minecraft together. i want a life where we buy a house together and wake up next to each other. now, i feel like that's too much to ask. 

is it too late? i ruined us, clay. i ruined you. i killed you because i was too late." 

hours went by in silence, with the occasional doctor coming in to check on dream. eventually, george began to drift off, his forehead still pressed against the sheets.

while george fell into a restless doze, dream opened his eyes. he saw the fuzzy outline of the boy next to him and wanted to hold him tightly, but he felt so weak. giving george's hand a small squeeze, the only act of affection he could manage, dream let his eyes flutter closed again. he was too tired to keep them open.

~~

over forty eight hours.

two days had gone by, and still dream stayed unconscious. sapnap and bad had arrived to keep george company, and they set up a system of rotation so that all three weren't staying at the hospital for the entirety of the visiting hours. still, george insisted on staying even when it wasn't his shift. no matter what sapnap and bad said, he sat in the hospital room most of the time, and eventually the two boys stopped arguing. 

with a falling heart, george began to believe that they had already lost dream. shouldn't he be awake since george returned his love? he asked that question to the others, and they tried to reassure him that it would probably still take time before he woke up. 

neither of them really believed their own words when they said everything would be okay. 

dream's family frequently came to visit as well, and the entire group mourned together. dream meant so much to everyone that the pain was insurmountable. 

drista had sat with george, tears glistening on her cheeks, but she was still somehow stronger than he was. george assumed that strength ran in the family. 

"he always spoke very highly of you. he couldn't imagine a life without you and he doesn't want you to feel guilty for anything. he loves you so much." drista spoke surely, looking george in the eye. she gave him a hug on her way out, and george felt overwhelmed at the appreciation she showed him for making her brother's life brighter. 

at the moment, george sat alone. his hope had dwindled and now he felt he was just waiting for the sound of a flatline. he held dream's hand the entire time he sat, even though it felt so cold. george just wanted to hold onto dream for as long as possible. 

the first time dream opened his eyes, george nearly missed it. they were open for no more than three seconds before they were shut again, almost making george believe he had imagined it in his sleep deprived state. but only a few minutes later, dream opened his eyes again and this time, he looked george straight in the eye. 

"am i dead?" dream whispered, and george wanted to cry with relief.

"no, you're alive! you're here with me and alive. i thought-" george just shook his head, happy tears welling in his eyes. "i hate you for making me think you were dead, by the way."

"i'm alive so clearly you don't hate me." dream smirked, mischief glinting in his eyes.

"asshole." 

"but you love me." 

"i guess i can't argue with that." george smiled, and dream smiled back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how are we all feeling today?! y'all like this chapter?


	23. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which our story comes to a close.

after dream had regained consciousness, it wasn't long before sapnap, bad, and dream's family arrived, practically singing with joy. it really was a sight to behold, the large family, some by blood and others by love, stood in the room, holding each other tight. never could any of them imagine a life without the others; their world was within each other, particularly for dream and george who looked at each other with nothing but pure adoration and unfiltered love. 

sapnap had elbowed george, smirking, before boldly saying, "no kids yet." george slapped his arm, dream wheezed, his laugh still weak but a sign that he was healing, bad shook his head at the antics, and drista high fived sapnap. the two got along well when it came to poking fun at the two boys in front of them. 

dream was released from the hospital the next day, as the doctors just wanted to monitor him. when they decided he was stable and his airways were clear, they determined him healthy and let him go. 

dream couldn't even wrap his head around what had happened. he stepped out of the hospital, his family on one side of him and george and his friends on the other. he felt free. 

dream was alive, and he felt it too. this was what living felt like. 

his friends didn't plan on leaving any time soon, insisting that they deserved to be together for at least a couple of weeks. so, they all crashed at dream's place and made a list of everything they wanted to do together. they would make the most out of every single moment; nothing was slipping through their fingers anymore.

that's how dream ended up smiling in front of his computer, waving to his viewers who clicked onto the twitch notification. he had always wanted to do a face reveal with his friends beside him and there was no better time than the present. he was greeted with immense support and intense bewilderment, which made him laugh. needless to say, it was really perfect. 

later on that evening, george had laid his head tentatively against dream's shoulder while sitting alone in his bedroom, smiling contently.

"i'm proud of you for doing that." he whispered, and dream wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

"yeah?" dream asked, and he could feel george nod against him. "you can't possibly be as proud of me as i am of you." 

"no way, what did i do?"

"oh, come on. figuring out your feelings is really hard and i know how much you struggled. i'm proud of you for accepting yourself and opening yourself up to me. i never expected the day where i could call you my boyfriend, but this entire situation has been crazy so i shouldn't be surprised anymore."

"boyfriend?" george questioned, tilting his head so he could look up at dream's face.

"i mean, i just kinda thought-" dream felt his cheeks go red, "only if you want to be...i don't know." 

"boyfriend. i like it. hey, you're my boyfriend."

dream let out a sigh of relief, pure happiness running through his veins like a drug. 

"boyfriend. i like it too. not as much as i like you though." 

"well, i love you." 

"i love you, too." dream whispered, pressing a kiss to george's forehead. 

at that moment, sapnap walked into the room, taking a look at the two wrapped up in each other.

"bad! i think i almost walked in on them making out! please help!" he shouted, backing out of the room.

sitting in the living room, bad rolled his eyes but he wore a wide smile. it felt so good knowing his friends were happy; that was all he wanted. he got up, pushing sapnap away from the bedroom door and scolding him for interrupting the lovebirds. however, none of them could keep their laughter contained, as the laughs of all four boys ricocheted off the walls.

~~

it truly was a shame when the boys decided it was time for this trip to come to a close. however, none of them would forget these lovely memories and would cherish them for the rest of their life. 

dream and george believed it was too soon to move in together, but they definitely talked about it. perhaps by next year they would buy a home together and pave the path for the rest of their lives. it didn't matter when they did it though; they had all the time in the world together.

the group bid their teary eyed goodbyes, but they had many more meet-ups planned in the near future. time spent together in person was long overdue, and now they were determined to make up for it.

dream and george made the most of their long distance relationship. they spent countless nights on call together, talking and laughing before drifting off to sleep with the comfort of the other bringing them peace and sweet dreams. they sent each other mushy goodmorning messages that would make sapnap gag, and sometimes even sent each other letters and gifts, something physical to hold that they hoped would make up for the hole their far away counterpart filled. 

george practically lived in dream's hoodies, loving the way the warmth reminded him of his boyfriend's arms. he could barely wait until august to fly out to florida again for dream's birthday.

and dream, his new favorite thing was when george tried to describe colors. george wanted to make dream proud and happy, so he put his enchroma glasses on almost daily and observed the world in more color than before. he would take pictures of objects that matched the color he was describing and put it all into a letter before mailing it off to dream. the letters never failed to make dream smile and roll his eyes at the almost childish excitement. how did he get so lucky? 

the letters went through all the colors of the rainbow until the very last letter, which arrived just a week before dream's birthday. dream read the letter with happy tears in his eyes. this relationship was worth all the pain and suffocation he had to endure just to get to it.

dream would love george until the day he died and george felt the same.

~~

_dear clay,_

i _attached a picture of you to this letter instead of a picture of a specifically coloured object because today's colour(s) are rainbow!_

_and no, this is not just because you're gay._

_you see clay, you make my world so bright. it's like you're the colour in my world. it's almost so blinding yet i can never look away. you make my world vivid; with you, i see radiant colours that replace all the dullness. it's like you making me_ _happy_ _even_ _when i was sad._

_to me, this symbolizes our love. it symbolizes our energy, our passion, our joy._

_and it comes full circle, too. colours = happiness = us, and then us = colours and it all just makes sense. sort of, i think. what i'm trying to say is you bring colour to my world and that makes me smile. all this brightness reminds me of us. plus, it was with you the first time i put my glasses on. it all_ _just_ _fits together nicely,_ _just_ _like me and you!_

_you know clay, i used to say my favorite colour was blue but i think it may be green, even though it's one of the hardest to see. that's because of your eyes. i'm gonna look into those eyes when i say 'i do'._

_well, that's about all i have for colours. i hope you enjoyed this sappiness. text me when you get this! or write back. either or both. or, save all the appreciation for next week when i see you. i'd like a kiss for this one._

_i love you always,_  
_george_

_[THE END]_  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay. wow.
> 
> i am absolutely overwhelmed at the amount of sheer support and wonderful comments i got on this fic. this was the very first fanfiction i've ever written, so i hope i did dream and george some justice with this story. 
> 
> i had so much fun writing this and i hope you guys enjoyed reading it. i would appreciate your feedback so much; i tossed up the ending A TONNN. i thought having dream die would fit the mood of my story, but i just didn't have the heart to do it. i read a fuckton of fanfiction so i know that deaths hurt, and i got a lot of comments that seemed to want a happy ending. so, i decided to stick with my original ending and give dream and george a happy life ahead of them :)
> 
> well, this marks the end of suffocation. it's been lovely and again, all of your encouragement has meant the world to me. it brings a smile to my face every day. thank you all <3


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